had my first appointment. doc is very soft spoken and i did most of the talking yesterday. by that i mean i basically cried for the whole 50 minutes as i tried to get my story out ina shakey voice.
he got the idea though and asked me a lot about my personal life, etc.
he is open to meds so having that fear alleviated made me feel good. however he hasn't had OCD patients. he gave me a roundabout answer that's he's familiar with OCD (and Pure O) but didn't confirm having patients of that kind. maybe it's just a confidentiality thing but it is a bit concerning because that's why i am there.
i have other issues stemming from my childhood that i am there to discuss and he seemed interested in making that a priority. while getting over those issues is a huge concern for me and a big part of this, and perhaps even the trauma that started my OCD, i made it very clear to him that i need to get over my OCD or get help for that most of all since, if anything, it's complicating my issues related to my past more.
i am meeting with him once a week currently which is going to hurt my wallet a bit but i am willing to put out money for the time being if it means i can begin recovering.
on the other hand it's going to be tough if i have to switch to another doctor. i have good options if i do switch and IF i do switch i am going to someone who is SPECIFICALLY trained for OCD. it's just that telling my story takes a lot out of me and it's very strange knowing you're going to cry your eyes out talking to someone for the first time.
i'm in a weird place of relief and fear and numbness all at once. my typical OCD fears took a backseat yesterday because i was so anxious about this damn appointment. now that i am over it, they're creeping back in and bogging me down.
i'm so tired of putting up with it. i'm so scared all these things are real and that i really did do something terrible in my past because these images feel like vivid memories. even if i know they're not logical it just feels real and i can't handle that by myself.
i hope all of you are doing okay. i'm trying.