As my first entry, I can't say I'm expecting a ton of response-I didn't get a HUGE response on OCD tribe when I used that, but I do hope for a better run on here..

I'm a 22 year old recent college graduate from Minnesota. I have OCD and panic disorder (along with chronic migraine)and have gone through a couple of bouts of depression in the past. I am currently going through another bout that is due to the past year…

Summer 2012: I had a job and an internship. I had severe strep throat twice in a row (fever of 104). My grandmother was in the hospital so we were taking turns taking care of my mentally challenged uncle who lived in her house (and refused to sleep elsewhere).

Fall 2012: I came down with tonsilitis and stopped responding to antibiotics. Although I was a full time student, and had a job, I took 2 weeks off for a tonsillectomy. I still finished the semester with a 4.0.

Spring 2013: The spring semester started at the beginning of February and we buried my grandmother on valentines day. We arranged for my uncle to live in a nearby group home. He has adjusted much better than we expected. I graduated college magna cum laude and phi beta kappa. It was extremely hard for me to leave my friends and roommates who were my amazing support system. Moving back in with my parents was rough as expected. My dad is quick to anger, my mom has OCD, and my brother has OCD, Tourette's, Aspberger's, and ADHD.

Fall 2013: I started a new job as a "temp" and don't know yet if they are hiring me permanently. (talk about anxiety provoking). I think that everything in the past year, along with a huge ego-crushing job searching full summer has caused me to become more depressed than I ever have been before.

I'm usually a very enthusiastic and friendly person. The whole reason I took this job/was initially looking for this type of job was because "I love working one on one with people". That couldn't be more untrue now. I loathe speaking with pretty much anyone. My heart feels heavy and slow, I just want to be, just sit and stare. I don't eat until I'm absolutely starved. My migraines have gotten worse. I feel like crying a lot of the time but I usually don't let myself cry since it triggers migraines. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my shot at this job because of my state of being–but I need the money to pay off my HUGE student loan debt which kicks in next month. I also don't even have a car. I'm such a big bitch to everyone! I'm so mean lately and I think such awful thoughts. I am seeing a therapist but she's very hard to get into with my busy schedule. I also am in the process of facing some emotions tied to an abusive relationship I was in during college that I never really told anyone about.

I really just want to get back to being that girl who goes straight from track practice to soccer practice…has a job and internship at the same time…graduates with honors…I look back and think who was I? Where did I go? I feel like I barely remember being so happy.

1 Comment
  1. gomizzou 8 years ago

    Hi there Jane–welcome to DT. Well hopefully, you will in fact get a ton of responses, starting with me. 🙂

    Wow, my really heart goes out to you after reading what you wrote here. You are dealing with so much and sounds to me like you're doing your damndest to stay strong so good for you as far as that goes. I know it's awfully hard sometimes–I know all too well the absolute hell it can be to have to battle depression and anxiety(not sure if that's officially the same thing as panic disorder, but I have had problems with anxiety attacks if it's something along those same lines), (and I'm pretty sure I have some form of OCD too thought it's never actually been disagnosed.) All I can think to tell you right now is hang in there and stay strong. You will get through this–I promise you that you will.

     I hope you'll find it helpful here–a lot of really wonderful and supportive people here with good hearts who can relate well to pretty much anything and everything you're going through. Going to send you a friend request–feel free to accept if you want. If not, that's okay too. Some people don't want to be bothered with that kind of thing and that's understandable. Regardless, feel free to hit me up for chat/email/ msg on profile page anytime you want. 🙂 Todd
     
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