Today has been a very good day for me. I get to go out with some friends for a Girls Night Out, and 0ne of my classes got cancelled. I went to one of the classes that give me the most anxiety, and actually participated today. I am proud of myself.
But one thing that still bothers me happened on the night of the superbowl:
My suitemates and I decided to watch the superbowl purely for the commercials. I was actually feeling pretty good, so I agreed. We decided to order pizza, brownies, some cheesesticks, and a drink for the “party”. One of my suitemates, J, didn’t have enough money, so she said that she would get her own food. I knew that this would mostly be true, but knew she would ask later to get some of ours. The time came for the commercials and the halftime show, and they decided to go out to the lobby, which is not where I usually stay because I don’t like being around people I don’t know. I was still feeling okay, so once again, I agreed. The pizza came, and everyone was hungry.
My roommate, M, and I went to go get the pizza, and came back. Immediately, J and her roommate C started asking for things. Now M and C and I are all visually impaired, and I usually help everyone, but it was starting to get a little bit much. I got everyone their stuff, and was trying to find a place on the small square table to lay everything out, but J’s food that she had brought for herself got in the way. In the process, She was asking for cheesesticks, and I said sure. She got one, and then said “can i get two”, and being the person that I am, I can’t say no. She tore off a side of the round cheesesticks, and took two big middle pieces. This didn’t bother me as much as the fact that she tore off the side. Part of my brain wanted to yell at her and fix it because it was wrong, but I tried to let it go.
I continued to try to find places for everything on the table when a lot of people walked into the lobby, and started watching us. At that point, I went over the edge. I went into a full blown panic attack in my mind. I couldn’t find places for everything, people were staring at me, and I couldn’t do anything to help it.
I stopped breathing
I stared straight ahead
I didn’t talk
I heard J say “oh, are you freaking out again?”
I started crying.
M took me back to the room so I didn’t embarrass myself too badly, and I broke down. it took me over 30 minutes to go back out to the lobby. That comment hurt. I wanted to yell at her so badly. I wanted to tell her that just because I’m in a panic attack doesn’t mean that I am “freaking out”, and doesn’t give her the right to look at me like I’m a baby. I wanted to tell her that when I’m in that situation, I am FULLY aware of what’s going on around me. I KNOW people are watching me. I KNOW I look odd, and I KNOW that to some people, I look kind of crazy. Having her say that, though bothers me. And I can’t get over it. I wish I could say something to her and fix it, but it might just be me. Even if I did, would she even care now that it’s been almost two weeks? Maybe I should just let it go.