I've finally concluded once and for all that I can't live this way anymore. I've gotten so overwhelmed by my compulsions that I avoid the activities that involve them all together. Which means,of course, I just find meaninglessactivitiesto be compulsive in–or I just explode in anxiety. I sit around most of the day, frozen in fear and exhaustion. My mind goes on and on and on and on in obsession and compulsion. I can't pretend I'm OK anymore–to anyone.
I'm scared to death to tell my parents about my OCD, but I'm going to tell them anyway. (I'm still basically dependent on them, but they don't live with me most of the time, so they're not seeing everything that's going on with me. I'm living in their house while they have to be living somewhere else for work. I'm supposed to be helping take care of the house, but I sure don't feel like I'm doing much….)
I don't know why I'm so afraid, but I am. My dad is a psychiatrist, which means, chances are, he can help me out in at least understanding what's going on with me and maybe giving me some pointers. My mom, too, is usually a very understanding person. As much as they drive me crazy, they're both some of my best friends. I guess part of it is just that I feel weird telling my dad–a psychiatrist–that I have OCD when he somehow was unable to see it. (Yes, I have a bit of frustration and maybe some resentment toward him that he hasn't realized it–as unfair as that is to him.)
I have these insane fears jumping into my head that my parents might not believe me or that they'll think I'm a foolish kid who got caught up in someone else's weird idea that I might have a certain disorder. Or that they won't understand and will think I'm just making excuses…. I don't know. But I know who they really are; they're good peoplewho love me. I have to tell them or I'll go mad.
GO mad? Hahahaha! I'm already there!
I'm going to e-mail them right now. If I try in person or on the phone, my mind will go blank–it does every time I get anxious about telling someone about my OCD. I suddenly forget ALL my symptoms–even the ones I'm obviously displaying at that moment–you know, the obsession over that I was probably mistaken about having OCD and the anxiety….
Now the only question is–how do I tell them? Dear Mom and Dad: I have severe OCD and I am about ready to cut myself off from the rest of the world. Thankfully, just about the only obsession that's common in OCD that's not very bad for me is fear of germs. So I'll have no problem living like Tarzan in the middle of nowhere with the animals as my friends; friends, who will love me no matter what and not expect much from me. Since I do have a thing about making things clean, I'll just build a nice little open tree house and sweep any dirt off into the forest easily. And I will jump into a boiling hot tub with my one set of clothes on to wash myself and my clothes every day. Yes, that should be a lot less stressful than the life I'm living now. Love, your daughter. 😛
Naw, I suppose that won'twork. haha Wish me luck and pray for me. 🙂