Hey so I've decided to keep both of the "potentials" at a distance.
It seems that with this extra time to myself I've realized how dependant I've become on these two guys. I felt weird saying names before…not sure why but my ex is Duncan and the coworker is Dustin. See how similar their names are?!
I have always been super proud of the fact that I maintain myself as an independant person who didn't need a guy to make me happy. As it turns out, the very fact that I spent everyday with Dustin and how upset I was becomming about my slowly dissolving future with Duncan, I now know that I really couldn't/didn't want to let either of them go. They both have qualities I want in a boyfriend and to keep them both on a string, although I hadn't consciously made this decision, made it so I could decide later on who would be best for me.
You can't do that to people and I certainly can't do that to myself.
You spend enough time with someone and you begin to develop feelings for them. I spent a lot of time with Dustin so of course I was going to feel as if I was beginning to fall in love with him….now though, I don't seem to trust him…either of them for that fact and I think a part of that might be an internal struggle. I don't trust my feelings and I certainly don't want someone getting close to me and walking away again.
Dustin told his ex to back off because he wanted to make things work (prior to metelling him I wanted space)with me and knew how much it hurt me that he was still sending intimate texts with her regarding how much he missed her and stuff…I found this out by checking his cell….ya…did it again *slaps own hand*
I was infuriated because I saw the EXACT, verbatum text he sent me a week before to his ex stating, "I just want you to be happy, even if it isn't me making you happy". I was so mad….Apparently I should have read it in context because he was using it to say he wanted some space from her. Part of me still doesnt believe him….although I read a part of her reply that seemed very odd at the time but I suppose makes sense now.
Sure maybe it related to both situations to use the exact phrase with both of us…but it sure as hell made me feel as if it weren't authentic enough for him to split one brain cell thinking of another way to phrase the same meaning.
Makes me think about how Dustin was able to say "I love you" without me returning the sentiment. How does someone do that? I would be continuously upset. Wouldn't you? He said "Well, I'm not as insecure as you are and don't need a confirmation everytime". Hell yes I'm insecure and I'll admit it cause I always need that confirmation. Maybe thats just me but it sure makes sense in my little world.
Either way….its another game I'm playing and its something I just can't do at this point in time. I'm super vulnerable and need to turn my mindframe around. I don't needa guy…maybe a good friend but not a guy to blow smoke up my ass by telling me I'm beautiful and shit…..and right now I don't even miss sex (kindof weird for me…..maybe TMI…). The very fact that my depression is making my self image go down the shitter….I have to do something for me and do it quick because the moment I start down this path of thinking I'm ugly….I start hating everything about myself next and then I don't leave home….
What do you guys do as pick-me-ups?
I am kind of in the same area of not wanting to attach myself too much to anyone I start having feelings for, at least for the wrong reasons. I don't know. It is quite scary I think. Especially when you think of how being hurt and let down made you feel in the past. To be that vulnerable is scary. I think with the right person and right circumstances it's probably not all that bad but there is the problem, the right person, how do you know. You really can't, at least not right away. It's a bit of a risk. I am trying to work on myself. I can't give you much advice on how not to get into a slump, I've been in one for years that I can't get out of. Although what helps me are distractions, but of course that does not help with actually dealing with the situation. I try and remind myself that if something was meant to be it would happen without us trying too hard, that gives me a little more insentive to work on myself and not focus too much on those sorts of things, if that is any help. I don't think pushing people away is the best thing (although I do it too sometimes). Stepping back, observing those behaviors and feelings from a bit of a distance might be a good thing though, just try not to overthink (ha) them too much, otherwise they will drive you crazy (if you already aren't driven crazy). Meh, my mind is so out of it right now but I can relate to a few things.
UCF:Goals are something I have got to start utilizing. I know my main goal but thats huge and since I'm so far from achieving it, I become overwhelmed. Although today and this weekend my goal was to study for my midterm that I had just this morning…..Granted I got 2 hours of sleep cause I had a LOT to catch up on….been missing quite a bit. Time to turn it around!
Love_Shines: Yeah, you're right. Pushing people away doesn't help…..does "pushing" also mean ignoring? I just need to step away from them because I'm at the point where I could call him and have him make me "feel" like I'm in love again. Maybe I overthink how I feel….its definitely something I've perfected to a T while growing up. I"m quite catious….then I feel too uptight…then I let my guard down….and freak out cause I'm not being super disciplined. Good cycle…more like drive-me-absolutely-batty!!
I've wanted to call Dustin since I woke up cause things are upsetting me easily again. I hate…absolutely hate showing my emotions to the outside world so I'd rather stay alone and fix it on my own. Lack of sleep doesn't help though! I'm definitely taking a nap today!
Thank you so much for commenting 🙂