well. its been a while since I logged on here. I stopped coming on to chat for a while as someone really upset me. Nothing malicious, this person just obviously needed to talk to somebody, but it was all too personal and intense so I needed to back off.

Anyway. I thought I was feeling a lot better after New Year, christmas is always a very hard time for me as I would much prefer to hibernate and be anti-social for 3 months rather than have to see people and go out partying. So, long story but I did think I felt better and so I fell into the usual trap of stopping medication and just tried to ignore any mood swings etc. I should have realised over the last 2 months i have been feeling very depressed again, having the odd panic attack. But then had the most awful shock 2 weeks ago I lost a friend&colleague to cancer. This in itself would be difficult for anyone, but I had a complete meltdown,couldn't get a doctors appointment or a prescription for anything intime, to the point where I was so stressed out I couldn't attend the funeral. Now I am so guilt ridden about this. I have no right to self pity when I think what her family and closer friends must be going through. I feel so ashamed of myself it makes me feel sick.

On top of all that I have been suffering terrible pain in my shoulders and neck, its probably just bad posture or stress but I had some bloods taken and I am really scared about getting the results, its totally irrational but I dont know, I just have a horrible anxious feeling.

the last few weeks have just been hideous I keep going to bed everynight hoping that I have had a horrible nightmare and I will wake up from it.