Hopefully, this time, i’ll leave it put….and not erase it.  *sigh  

i really hope i didn’t just make a huge mistake.  Honestly, i feel like i’m spinning and going down to no-man’s land or something like that.  i’ve been trying to hold out and wait for my son to contact me–uncertain if he ever would, due to my ex and his parents’ influence on him.  i know he’s an adult–he’s twenty years old–but, he’ll always be my baby.  As close as we once were–for his first thirteen years–and then, nothing.  These last six + years have been so hard without him being present in my life.  And, since Shelby’s death…..it’s even more important to me to try and reconnect, somehow, with him.  *sigh

What did i do?  Well, first, i tried calling Anthony (to speak to Gabe)….and when Anthony answered the phone, he really sounded out of it, as if i’d just woke him up and he was still struggling to get there.  So, he said he’d call me back–i’m really not expecting that he will, but i had to give him the option to put his “big boy pants on,” or something like that.  *sigh  So….i dialed the number that i found on one of my searches, as the contact number for my son.  He answered!!!!!  i asked if it was him, and if he knew who he was speaking with.  (Yes, and not sure–were his answers.)  So, as soon as i told him it was his mother, the call dropped.  Now, i’m spinning out, waiting to see what kinda drama i’ve just started.  All i’ve ever wanted has been a continued relationship with my son and to have a relationship with my grandson.  i *thought* before Shelby died in February, that some of the barriers were being crumbled.  Since i’ve not gotten to ‘see’ either of them–with my own eyes, to be sure of what i’m feeling–the uncertainty is really playing games inside my head.  So, i’m just really waiting to see what happens next, i guess.  i worry that my ex or his mother will be trying to call me, or/and start something more….  Was what i did so wrong?  Of course, Petey’s an adult and can make his own decisions….  But, no one knew the number, so how would he’ve contacted me, if he ever did want to do so?

i just can’t condone anything else of the weird variety for now.  Things going on before i left Newfoundland were really…..making me rethink a lot of my own choices in the past.  However, i can’t help but know this choice has been for the best–all around.  Whether i wind up dead or stay in the land of the living-ish, this feels like my final chance to hold on to some of what’s left of my family.  Days like today, when i’m by myself and not really focused on getting much of anything ‘done,’ seem to make me feel worse, in the end.  My mind’s constantly going, but when i’m by myself, it tends to focus on experiences and past boo-boos, etc.  It almost feels like i’ve been here a month or more, already, but it’s not even been a whole twelve days, yet!!!  Good gravy!

OK…i’ll stop rambling here.  Just felt like i needed to write before i burst.