fuck everything.

i cant be bothered. eveything i’m doing is for nothing, its all worthless.

everyhting i have ever done has been a mistake, in the end it caused me more pain then it was worth. eveything i will ever do or acheive will be nothing in their eyes, and i’ll never be good enough. i feel like totall shit.

complete & utter shit. i hate whats going on around me but i feel to weak to stop it and take control i feel like i just slipping further and fruther down this black hole, all the while everyone see this happy content child who’s loud confindant and doing well in everything. someone who has no worries. its all bullshit! they’r all blind, happy not to suspect, in their perfect life. aslong as everything is running smoothly and no one has problems then its fine.

i cant let them in. it would destroy them. and once they were in they woudl pry and ask questions. they wouldnt leave me alone.so i supose i just have to sit here depression festering in my mind, in my heart, tangled in my thoughts, tainting all my words. i can feel resentment building up up inside- it doesnt fill the empty void, it just makes it ache. 

i keep thinking.. "why not just cut? you know it will make you feel better, and its not like  your letting anyone down. nobody cares. besides they wont know."  i long to feel that still euphoric monment as the blood seeps through the cut; watching it travel down my skin. i miss it. i dont miss the guilt, but will there be guilt this time? i dont know.

i feel like my hearts being torn into separate peices. i might just let it happen till it kills me, and then i’ll feel no pain. no sadness or guilt. i wont disapoint or anger anyone. i will no longer be living for nothing, becasue i will be nothing. just dust.

these thoughts scare me at times. not becasue im scared of death but becasue it gives me a sense of calm. a calmness i havent felt in a long time.

matters of the heart defy common knowledge. they can tear apart the soul and leave the body intact so that know one is any the wiser. it would be easier never to love.

x