I am so lost, right now. My grip is just gone. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t have the energy, or the will to do much of anything. The only up side is that this lack of willful energy presently applies to destructive behavior as much as it does to anything else. This sh*tty mode has been building for days, and it makes me hate myself. It makes me bad company. It makes me unproductive. It makes me [email protected] paralyzed and useless. In short, it makes me [email protected] hate myself, and it makes me feel like I will probably drive away anyone who cares about me because I am so freaking miserable and no one wants to be around that.
One of my friends thinks I am being willfully naive about something, which, he says, is unlike me.
I am just trying to… [email protected] A… I don’t know what I am trying to do. Maybe, I am just trying to trust someone, the way normal people do when they’re close. Maybe, I am incapable of that.
No, I don’t think so, because I think I have been trusting on that level, lately.
I felt like that was a good thing. But, my friend seems to think I am steering straight into a ditch.
"Well as sure as planets come I know that they end
And if I’m here when that happens, then just promise me this my friend
Please bury me with it
I just don’t need none of that Mad Max bullshit"
I am not naive.
I am actually really smart, but I have done a ridiculously high number of stupid things in my day.
What am I? Lost…
And, right now, I am floundering in the worst way. It feels like I am suffocating, and locked into a tight space that I can’t see a way out of – destructive thoughts are starting to seem less daunting. I don’t know if I would get high, or if I would just carve all my frustrations into one of my arms. Maybe, trace a vein or two…
"Well the suit got tight and it split at the seams
But I kept it out of habit and I kept it real clean
But if it’s getting faded, if it’s runnin’ outta thread
Could you do this for me my friend?
Please bury me with it
Please bury me with it"
Not trying to be maudlin… not trying to upset anyone… (sorry)
Maria doesn’t know what she would do if she were me, and neither do I.
I am so confused, and shaky, and I swear I have tried to hold on, but this slide seems inevitable, at this point. I’ve just been stalling. I am thinking about some wine, and marijuana – on an empty stomach, the wine should go a long way. I’ve also got some pills laying around. And, if I still feel too awake, aware, and alive… there are always other possibilities afoot. This is Chicago – drugs are always right around the corner.
"Good news for people who love bad news
We’ve lost the plot and we just can’t choose
We are hummingbirds who are just not willing to move
And that’s good news for people who love bad news
We are hummingbirds who lost the plot
And we will not move
We have good news for anyone
Who loves bad news" (Modest Mouse, "Bury Me With It")