Here we start another day.  I wake up early in this morning determined to deal with this issue better then I did the night before.  So far I feel like I am just hitting a brick wall.  I wake up with thoughts pounding inside my brain.   My fears start to take hold as soon as I leave my apartment.  I do my best to drown them out with music on my way to work.  Sometimes I just feel so guilty for things, I know can't even possibly have done.  Thing like scratching someone's car to taking things home from work that maybe I shouldn't have.  I know in my heart that I didn't do this, but convincing my mind is almost impossible.  I sometimes pass out in exhaustion because I worry so much I just feel that it sucks all my energy out.  I would just love to have a switch that I can turn on and off to think.  One that stops this craziness and allows me to just be me.  When I get to work, I do a great job of disguising my feelings.  I try to remain upbeat and just pretend my life is always the best.  Inside I feel as though I am messed up in some way.  Maybe it was something growing up.  My life as a child was not that ideal.  My dad was always emotionally abusing us .  I was not really allowed to be myself and enjoy life without fear that something I did or said would upset him.  Friendships that kids make at school were fine at school, but I dare not bring those people home to my house.  That was a big "No No."  I think in my heart I still harbor so much anger for being cheated out of my life. I want my son to have so much more then I ever did.  He is my life now and I pray everyday that God shows him that all lives don't have to be like mine.


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