Everyday I try to be a better person. I’m not so much wanting to build up karma points for the sake of ego or wanting somone divine reward in return; it just makes me feel alright helping other people. My only question: How long will this go on until someone appreciates me?
I’ve been dealing with this nice-guy bullshit for years now and it’s not getting me any-fucking-where. I guess I should just get my problems out in the open one step at a time instead of a clusterfuck of grammatical error.
I’ve been in a bind as far as relationships for about 2 years now. My indecisivenous(sp?) has kept me form maintaining a healthy relationship, friend or otherwise, with anyone because I can never finish what I start. Fast forward to two years ago, I meet a girl completely by accident and, long story short, we fall in love and get engaged. Longer story, shorter: Mental and emotional stress and trauma sets in due to certain rapists who need their dick cut off and she winds up seeing a shrink who brainwashes her into believing that she doesn’t need to be engaged to me anymore. Well isn’t that just a fucking bombshell in a handbasket?
What it all boils down to is I haven’t had a steady relationship since then. I used to be very devout spiritually and everything, to me, was sacred. Then I meet another girl who gets me intoxicated and convinces me that sex isn’t anything special. I’m here to tell you that a fifth of Jager will make you believe anything. The “relationship” stretches about 2 months before she tells me that she’s pregnant. Now, being a father has always been a dream of mine. I’d love nothing more, despite the staying up all hours of the night and waiting on my child hand ‘n foot. After all, that’s what the love of a parent is for, right? Anyways I come to find out that she has been cheating on me the whole time and her pregnancy didn’t even happen at all. She used the whole thing as revenge for me kicking her cousin out of my place earlier that year.
Everything since then has been completely distorted. I don’t know whats right or wrong anymore. Like any guy, I get the urge to just wanna fuck every now and again and have it not mean anything. My issue with that, however, is that I can’t do that and not get attached. So then me and ______ would start dating and it’s only a few weeks before I realize that I only went there that first night to get laid and nothing more. Then my guilty conscience kicks in and i’m afraid to tell her so or break up with her because I don’t want legions of big brothers and friends kicking my ass to the ground.
Then there was last night. A friend of mine thought it would be a good idea if we got two of his friends, those friends of course being of the female persuasion, and checked into a hotel room and got drunk and…you know. Anyway these are high-maintainance kinda girls and frankly, i’m a low income kinda guy. Aside from getting made fun of for my passion for philosophy and the fact that i’d much rather listen to Dave Matthews than Akon or Jay-Z, The night went alright. I had my beers in me and I was good to go. I was borrowing my parents truck at the time so I had to have it back before daylight. Well they were aware of this and I told them that one of em would have to follow me to my house and then well just go back to the hotel. Apparently that was too complicated for their simple minds, so they told me to just go ahead and go while they figure out what theyre gonna end up doing. Fed up, I left. I had little hope in mind however because I thought “well…Johnson won’t let me down. He’s my friend and he wouldn’t leave me hanging like that.” So much for friends. I got home and waited for like 30min to an hour for them and no one ever showed up. not even a fucking phone call. So here I am now, pissed off, lost hope cause I can’t even rely on my own fucking friends. The irony here, which I am always a fan of, is that he said “you’re my friend, i’d never do you wrong” and things of that nature hours prior to these events.
For the past 2 years I’ve just wanted to fucking die. I don’t really care where I go. I’ve lost my faith, my perception, my judgment, my trust, my peace of mind…the only thing i have left is my guitar and that’s barely keeping me up. If someone would come in to my life who has more important things to talk about than the fat girl in the halter top and who knows that Nietzche isn’t an Italian seasoning, I truly beleive things would start looking up.
-I really hate ending things on a down note, so i’m gonna rip off some song lyrics that keep me going.
“Celebrate we will ’cause life is short but sweet for certain. We climb on two by two just to be sure these days continue”