"we're the three best friend's anyone's ever had"….is the title of one of my friend's fb albums. It has these three girls, my two friends and then the girl that has been bullying me and making me cry every weeked of the new year (for no reason. did nothing to her). It makes me sick, I've written about some of the things she's done to me, she's literally insane and so insecure that she has to go after me and make it impossible for me to hang out with that group…all the other girls say it is "so messed up" "she's a bitch" but they still hang out with her to the exclusion of me…..and it's dumb to be mad or upset, because i DONT want to be around them. they are awful ppl, read some of my blogs from last year. they chased me out of college for being depressed, left me out of housing twice, are constantly catty. i hate them. i despise the human beings they have become and that they can't see it….because i don't want to think that any human being can be like that, i don't want to know so personally that that exsists….and that they walk through life being so awful and still feeling so good about themselves.
it is my fault for not leaving, or should i say, leaving and then allowing myself to get pulled back because i have no other friends at college and am almost incapable of making new ones(ok…i guess i can, i just….have failed so far). my mother tells me every day to leave them, my therapist kevin here is incensed when i talk about what happens to me, for a while he would get so angry at them, and i would just be sitting there, not angry just hurt, wondering what i had done to deserve their cruelty. that has changed. mom and kevin say i sound like i have higher spirits lately, but basically all it is my transition from hurt to anger and raging hate, disgust. it consumes me and i want to purge it and them from my life, erase their tainted memory.
ok so online it says there are 7 stages of grief: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, the upward turn, reconstruction, and acceptance. i have been through the cycle of all of these emotions (not neces. in that order) so many diffferent times in the last few years. they all melt into one where: "i accept that you all are awful human beings, that although your actions shock and depress me i cannot change or bargain with you awful bitches, all i can try to be is happy and bulid up my life".
still changes nothing. I want to vent…
you all disgust me, you are freshman in highschool and anyone that hears of/ witnesses your actions says "they are not good people". you have cause me so much pain and disgust that i have moved from a state of constant forgivness to perpetual hate. i will never forgive you. you are all a lost cause and it upsets me that such awful people will be going out and interacting in this world. you are insecure, catty, clique-y, immature. you have no moral compass, all that matters is that you can convince yourself that things are not your fault and do not affect you. i don't know how you sleep at night. i am not close to perfect, but im better than you. i would never do/be what you have done. your existance is a constant reminder to of everything i do not want to become. i hate you. i smile at you, i answer your questions, but i worry about your soul, because i think it's rotted out of your body. i do whatever i can to make it so that you have no way to affect my life in any negative way. but you are all poison and some still sinks into me. the fact that you are still friends with this girl, that you see nothing wrong with letting her bully me underlines your stupidity and selfishness. she does it, as i have said, because SHE KNOWS YOU WILL LET HER GET AWAY WITH IT.
i hate to say it, but i dont want to ever see you again and even with that it would not be enough. i want you to have the miserable lives you have earned. where is karma? seriously? you should be glad it seems to be absent from your lives. i want zero interaction with you, you are all so self centered, and ugly all over, no amount of beauty on the outside could ever conteract that. i am nice to you, because, i am better than you, i am kinder than you, i am more considerate, less gossipy, less judgemental. i am nice to you because that is my nature, but also because i want to underline how much better i am than all of you. i hope you all have awful lives, you disgust me, your happiness disgusts me, ughhh… i cannnot say disgust any more in this blog. im done
so yeahh…im a pretty angry person right now. which is so not akin to my shy nature, but ive been pushed to it