I feel like I'm drowning. I might have said this before with my depression. That's probably true, too. But my anxiety is at a high right now, and I can't seem to calm down. Meditation isn't helping like it could.

The other day, I posted in my favorite Facebook group-a fan group. I didn't expect to offend and upset so many people. I received serious backlash and then was banned without any warning or official message. Nothing, just banned like that, not even allowed to apologize. I contacted one of the mods who I had messaged before, and I was much too upset to be sending messages. Her reaction was to be expected, and yet it was so harsh and cold and unprofessional. She treated me like a mental patient, like a selfish, delusional drama queen deserving absolutely no respect or common courtesy. That hurt. She accused me of making a fake account just to apologize in the group (which, yes I am a little crazy in that sense. No, I did not create a fake account…I just logged into my fake account that I had used 6 months prior to check up on the man who sexually assaulted me.) In any case, the apology was very professional and heartfelt. The moderator who I was speaking to completely blew up at that. I loved that Facebook group and I know better than to get upset over things on the internet, but it came as such a shock-and it was handled so poorly by all people involved (me included). It was just extremely disappointing.

I feel extremely nervous online now. I am very nervous about posting anything, anywhere and getting the same response. Updating a status. Posting in any other group or in my internship group. Like as if my opinion burdens everyone around me. I feel awful and anxious and extremely uncomfortable.

I feel like typing about the experience here will help me grow out of it, get away from the resulting anxiety. It's not such a big event to do any long term damage, it's just a pain to try to calm myself down, back to normal. (The reason why my anxiety is even so bad is because of all the sugar I've been eating this week-not usual for me, but it was my roommate's birthday and she brought home cake-and lovely PMS as well). I feel fragile right now and I hate it, I can't get work done.

But aside from this crappiness, I've been doing much better. I've felt much more comfortable with myself since the school year started. I've stopped ruminating about the sexual assault. I started the semester off well. I just have to maintain that. I feel like the lack of sleep (busy college schedule) and such is dragging me down, bringing some anxiety back.

The sertralin doesn't seem to be helping.

1 Comment
  1. Giving_Up 6 years ago

    I hate that you have been subject to insensitive people that have no idea how to talk to others. I also know how you feel with the drowning, I can get that way at times and have to actually stop my thoughts and go to a quite place inside or I can feel like my chest is going to just collapse. The only thing that seems to help is a quite place and deep breathing.

    Sometimes we all just have to realize that some people will be hurtful to those around them and honestly I don't even think they realize it, they become so self absorbed in themselves that everything else is secondary.

    So I guess you know the sugar was not helpful 🙂 even though I'm sure it was pure pleasure at the time. Drink plenty of water to try to flush it out and find your quite place. Hugs to you and I do hope you have a much better week at school and at home.

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