My husband and I are transitioning to being full on vegetarian here at home. He will still eat meat when he goes out for lunch, but here for dinners we are totally vegetarian. This started when he told me that he was getting sick from the salmon we’d been buying. I don’t know if the fish was just too oily for him, or what, but he doesn’t want me to buy it anymore. So I have been fixing tempeh, tofu, refried beans and rice, and quinoa for our proteins. He isn’t a huge fan of tofu, but I’ve been buying the super tasty baked tofu from Trader Joe’s, which has a nice teriyaki flavor and a meaty texture. Tonight for dinner I will cook vegetables (probably yellow squash and bell pepper), refried beans, and rice which is already made. Similar to our dinner last night.

I can’t stand this feeling anymore, this disappearing feeling, which is just too overwhelming, I feel like I’m barely here! I’m barely breathing, I’m barely here! I need my husband to come home and be with me! I’m so tired of feeling this way day in and day out, and I don’t know what to do anymore! I feel like I’m disappearing! I wanted to write a blog about vegetarianism, and here I am totally freaking out, wishing so much I could just feel normal again! I need my husband but he won’t be home for four hours and forty-seven minutes! Yes, I count it down to the very minute. He usually gets home at 4:50. Off at 4:30, twenty minutes to get here, more or less. He said he might work late tonight, but he better not! I need him home now, bad enough at 4:50, so he better not be any later than that! Yesterday he was home an hour early, how wonderful that was! I hope and pray he gets out early again today! But I know we need him to work, it’s a catch-22.

I don’t really miss making the salmon, it was always messy and hard to clean off the pan. I do kind of miss eating the salmon, it was always very tasty to me. But he is more sensitive than I am, considering his tummy, so no more salmon. I still have sea bass in the freezer, I might make that one of these days, but not today. I’ve just finished my genmaicha. I’ve already had regular green tea and an oolong. I believe that tea is one of the healthiest drinks you can have, especially green tea. The Japanese live the longest out of any people in the world, and they drink copious amounts of green tea. And I just love the taste of it. I’m really scared! I’m still feeling like I’m disappearing! I don’t know what to do, I want to go lie down on my bed, but that rarely helps, I can’t get comfortable in bed without my husband here with me.

I’m going to take my Seroquel, I know it’s early, but it’s the only medication that helps me. And I will have an extra bottle of Seroquel, because my doctor has increased my dosage, so I will have leftover Seroquel in the lower dosage. I just took it. And when I get my new Seroquel tonight I will take that one too, so it will be a total of 1400 mg for today. I know that’s a lot, but I need it. From now on I will be taking 800 mg of Seroquel, plus, if I can’t sleep, an extra 300, for a total of 11oo mg per day. I know of someone who was on 1200mg of Seroquel, so I know that it’s ok to take that much. My doctor said the max is 800, but I know of someone who was on the 1200, so that’s my justification.

This life is just getting too difficult, what with this disappearing feeling and everything, I can’t take it anymore! I really can’t! I don’t want to lie down on the bed, but I feel like I need to. I took my Seroquel, I should be feeling better soon. The whole world looks like it’s caving in on me! I’m not exaggerating! This nightmare is real. Ok, I can’t take it anymore, I will go lie down on the bed. I know I wanted to write this post about vegetarianism, but my symptoms are getting in the way.