it felt cold as i placed it upon the side of my head. which is good b/c i feel like my soul is on fire.

i am full of dreams, goals, obstacles, true love for another as well as the undying love for my immediate family, to do lists, hopes, potential, ideas, talents, and so much more. however, let me ask you this; what good are all these things without motivation and with an unceasing and unforgiving chemical force that takes my soul and the above mentioned positives, chews them up, swallows them, spews them back out and flushes them down the drain? what has become me? how can i be any good to the people that need and love me if i can\'t be any good to myself? is it my medicine that comes with the risk of worsening depression over long term use as many anti-d\'s do that is the cause? i think this maybe so. but how can i know? how can anyone know? i feel lifeless and dead inside. when i first started my anti-d(emsam…maoi), i was completely motivated out of nowhere within days(not a placebo effect), i\'ve been on enough meds to know. that feeling of motivation and mood lifting lasted for quite awhile and really assisted me to get to where i am now. but now that is all gone. i have so many aspirations and yet i feel empty, hopeless, and worthless. i seriously believe that my med is causing this to be so much worse…but how can we ever know for sure? we can\'t. there in lies the problem. however i am determend to try an new med when i finally get my first meeting with a psychiatrist here in cali sometime hopefully next month. that\'ll make 7 months that it took to get into one since i got here and i have medical and medicare. but whatever. i just hope i don\'t go through the plethera of seriously intense side effects that i went through when i\'ve been on my over 20 other anti-d\'s that didn\'t  even help and that is with me giving them thier due time to work. i finally found emsam after almost 11 years of on and off searching for a med that works(besides klonopin and xanax for anxiety). now i need to switch. July 8th…please hurry!