Logical people follow their minds. Emotional people follow their hearts. Logical people often see emotional people are dramatic, impulsive and reactionary, while emotional people sometimes believe that logical people are cold, callous, and over-calculating.
Both the mind and the heart CAN BE WRONG. Because no matter which we choose to follow more often than the other, we're still human. And despite our wisdom and experience, we are certain to make mistakes.
You know, it was so much easier to focus my attention on things that weren't real. At least when I was immersed in so-called "drama," whether my own, that of others, or something completely imagined, I felt safe. I didn't have to face the harshness of reality. I could forget that my house is in chaos and my finances are in ruin. And I could ignore the fact that while I'm at least trying to improve my condition and taking more responsibility for my life, the man I married has little interest in what's real and tangible. At least for the moment.
In the same way, it's easier for HIM to find another relationship to lose himself in instead of dealing with his problems. A big part of his problem is that just like me, he loses part of himself in relationships. He sacrifices himself in the name of "love." He claims he KNOWS the right thing to do, but his heart cannot allow ME to get close to him. And his heart can't turn completely away from T. (the woman with whom he had the affair).
I've tried to tell him, what he's doing is childish, blind, selfish, and destructive, and it's hurting EVERYONE involved. Even T., who by focusing on him can ignore HER problems. And it hurts me, because I really want him to love me like he did in the beginning, even though that's not within my control.
As for me (and this is my blog, so I can actually focus on myself for a little while), I've been feeling so many things. A bit of self-pity, though not as much as usual. Anger at my husband for breaking the promise he made to me – that if things with Tina got too intense, he'd bail. Frustration because he refuses to see the truth, is currently incapable of being happy, and cannot seem to face reality in light of his own "addiction." Loneliness, because the person who was once there for me is suddenly absent in the emotional sense – and, quite frequently, in the physical sense as well because of his work schedule.
But there's also a sense of pride. I'm not depressed, and I'm not really happy either – but I'm functioning. I'm able to focus and do what needs to be done in my life, and I'm enjoying the small victories and small moments as they come to me one by one, moment by moment.
I want to believe this newfound strength comes from more than just a cocktail of altered chemicals in my brain. I do hate tracking my days in doses, and I hate depending on medical science to prevent me from being a glutton for self-destruction. And I want to believe that now, having NO ONE to depend upon for emotional "rescue," I had no other choice but to stand on my own feet, perhaps for the first time in my life.
I'm especially proud because my former self might have crumbled altogether, wallowed in sadness, blamed herself mercilessly, or tried in desperation to reach out for another person by any means necessary. Or conjured up some sort of tangled emotional web to distract herself. But however tempting, I'm not doing any of that. Even when the pain and loneliness seem overwhelming, I don't let them consume me. I realize now that I have other choices.
From time to time, I'm scared of the unknown – the big, ominous question marks that loom in the distance and lay across my life's path like dark serpents. But the future is only temporary, because soon it will become the present. And in the present, right at this very moment, I am exactly where I need to be.
It seems my prayers have been answered. I serenely accept what I cannot change. I am courageous enough to change what I can. And each day, with God's help, I'm growing wise enough to tell the difference.
