I dont know where to turn anymore. Am all alone. Feel awful. Feel alone. Do you ever feel like you have messed up so much in your life that you are tainted forever and can not go on anymore? I am not a bad person. I’m not a saint, I’m not a virgin, I’m dont abstain from drinking, but I’m not that bad, but I feel awful. I feel like that woman in the scarlet letter where everything sticks to her and no one stands up for her.
I had two chinese roommates. One has left because she had a very hard time adjusting and wanted to go home. We were close, I was always there for her, I told her everything, my good and my bad, including that I had sex with two guys this semester. She isnt used to american culture, and it really did a number on her, because whe she wasnt talking to me or our other roommate she stayed locked up in her room. She had said something very unkind to me a week before she left, that americans are rude and unfriendly, not technologically advanced, that the university i went to was crappy and that people including me were insincere. I’ve told her the absolute truth about everything….so i did not understand. ive stood up for her, been there for her, given her advice…I was very hurt and did not talk to her for a week. right before she left i tried to mend things by wishing her luck with the college she’s transfering to…..just so things were not left w her feeling bad for her unkind actions towards me.
My other roommate today tells me, that this girl, my roommate who had left, had been convinced that i was having a THREESOME with the guy who lives in the room above her. I was SHOCKED. because Ive NEVER done that, I’ve never seen a girl naked before, I dont know the ppl upstairs but my roommate had told people that she could hear my voice from her room and that i was sleeping with a guy and a girl. Now, I understand she does not know american culture well, but did she know what she was saying? does she know how outlandish that is? it disgusts me and i feel violated. the day that she says i had a threesome i was AT HOME four hours away. My other roommate said she had thought this was untrue, till last friday when i drunkenly hugged her coming back from the bar. She’s never drank or been around alcohol before, she’s very innocent so she did not know i was drunk and thought maybe i was trying to sleep with her. I am so hurt and humiliated and insulted. I dont see why i deserve this. I feel betrayed by the roommate that left, and even more i am disturbed that she thought she could hear voices….MY VOICE in her room. I live 3 doors down from her. was i living with an insane person? she was "mad" at me the last week i could tell, but it was nothing that i had done….literally she was mad because she thought i was a lesbian or something even though she asked me right before she left and i was like "dude, you’ve seen go on dates with guys and i told you im straight"….all the time she had been saying all these awful things about me, after i had supported her and been there for her.
I dont know where to turn, ever since my one teacher bascially made it clear that if i did not go to lunch with him then i could not get an a…..i feel dirty. I cant even look at school as an escape anymore. i am a good girl, im not a virgin, i have hooked up with people and sometimes i get too drunk. last weekend i blacked out beacuse this boy i liked upset me….i didnt mean to and i really regret it even though i didnt do anything bad…i was just drunk….i feel like some of my friends are judging me for it and purposely making me feel bad to make their one night stands seem not bad, not that i said they were, just, that’s not for me. I dont know where to turn and i dont want to go on anymore. I feel like i a piece of trash and i dont know why because im not that wild, i havent had sex with a bunch of guys, just two, i have overindulged in drinking when i was upset and not planning to drink that night, but i never felt like i was so strange, so abnormal and i just want to die when people are so hard on me. because im not hard on anyone, and i dont judge my friends for their drinking or casual sex, but i feel like anything i do has to be accompanied with an explination. I have to get their forgiveness/have an excuse for everything. No one will protect me, everyone will jump to think the worst of me…they’ve done it before.
im all alone. Ive already left college once. i feel so awful and abnormal i dont want to wake up tommorrow. there are no friendly faces to make things okay. im all alone in the world, im wrong, im trashy, im out of control….no one knows how scared i am, how alone i am and i am worn thin trying to hold myself together. i dont feel safe anymore. i feel like everyone can and will turn on me and betray me. lie about me. leave me. and i dont know what ive done to deserve this. I can’t turn anywhere. i dont want to look at myself anymore because i wont get straight a’s this semester and all my friends are apt to think the worst of me/blame me for everything or just leave me out of their housing plans next year.
I want to go to bed but i dont want to wake up. im scared to close my eyes and see tommorrow morning. I try hard to do things right but i feel like i am labled as "ALL WRONG". i want to hide and die because i feel like i am unredemable. i feel like i am the worst, that i deserve people’s lies and condemnation and judgements, that i should just give up. i really do, im disgusted with myself, and the only thing ive done wrong is get really drunk last thurs because of a guy. I havent had a one night stand, no threesome, no teacher seduction thing, no alcoholism but im not perfect and because im not perfect i feel like the bottom of an ashtray that everyone looks down on and rubs their butts in. I dont know where to turn and i cant tell anyone how upset i am. i would really appreciate any kind words or support if you think i deserve them. i dont know.