I wrote most of this back in June, only updating a few things to make it current where needed .. funny how I could have written the same exact thing tonight.

The past few days have all just blurred together (all my days blur together).  I have no concept of time really…

I am in such a low place lately.  All the anxiety.. I tremble constantly.. my hands shake, my heart pounds.. my mind races.. horrible images that I can''t block out no matter what. 

Sleep only brings on the nightmares which I wake up my hubby with my screaming.  He needs his sleep and I feel bad.. I wish I could make them stop so he could get a decent night''s sleep. 

I wish I could make him understand how low I feel and how much I just loath myself all the time.  I have tried to explain but he doesn''t understand.  He is a good man though.. patient with me most of the time and is trying to get me back into therapy for help.    My good therapist retired, who I saw for over a year.. I did not like the man who replaced him so I have been without a T for about 9 months now, I just started with a new T 2 weeks ago.. so far she seems very nice and not pushy at all, which I like.

Meds never help… have tried so many.. all give me horrible side effects… ended up in the hospital from side effects of one of them.  Have tried .. at least 9 different kinds.  

Xanex is the only thing I can (do) take.. take one  a day for the anxiety and panic but it isnt enough and I think I need to talk to my dr about upping the dose again…  My mind never stops.

I''m so sick of feeling alone.. so lonely all the time.  I am agoraphobic on top of all my other stuff.. I am scared to even go into my yard alone.   I try online groups and never feel like I ''fit'' in anywhere..  I just want to belong somewhere so bad sometimes…

I want to feel ''normal'' .. but what IS normal? I don''t even know…


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