This morning Housemate A found me collapsed across a couple of beanbags in front of the television. She messaged Sister 1 and got her to come around for breakfast. It took me 10 minutes to get rid of her but she ended up coming over for lunch.

Today Housemate B finally returned home after spending a few days away. I haven’t really spoken to her since I got out of hospital.

She is the only person in my life who has been through the same things I’m going through, and she keeps trying to reach out to me. However this afternoon when she got home I pretended I was asleep. I hid from her. Eventually I got out of my room and said hello. We exchanged about 10 ten words and then she went to sleep.

I’m an idiot.

Tonight I tried to go to a support group. I didn’t research it properly.

The group was held in a ‘mental health unit’ – which is a nice way of saying psyche ward. I’d forgotten how much they freaked me out. I wandered around the ward for a few minutes trying to find the place, and eventually one of the nurses came over to see me.

“I can help you?”

“Nah mate. I’m fine”, I said as I turned toward the exit.

I’m useless. Nothing has changed.

I just want to fly back to work, but I know as soon as I come home again it’s going to be much worse than it is now. I still have another week at home with nothing to do.

Sister 2 is probably going to try to see me tomorrow before she leaves for Scotland. I’m planning to hide from her too. I’m useless at this.


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