Hope everything's going alright. As many of you probably already know, from reading several of my blogs, my biggest fear in life is losing control. This is a major problem for me and it prevents my "moving forward" in life. I am SOOOOOOOOO SCARED of losing control that I feel like I have to do rituals in order to FEEL like I'm in control, even if I am not. That, as well as the fear of being judged by people for things I can't control, has held me back and made my OCD worse. It is to the point now that every combination of medication I've been taking has helped very little or not at all. I am desperate here. I want to get better, but it's not happening.
Because of this phobia I have of not having control over things, I am still struggling with my OCD every day (although there are a lot of ups and downs from day to day and hour to hour…but overall nothing is improving!) I worry a lot about bad things happening if I don't do my rituals (compulsive behaviours) "the right way". I often get stuck doing counting rituals and many other kinds of rituals, both actively and in my thoughts, and sometimes both of those things at the same time. It's a little upsetting for me, and very upsetting for my parents to see that I am not moving on with my life like so many other people, including family and friends.
I believe there are some good reasons for why losing control is so frightening to me. Sometimes, when I was little, people used to judge me and treat me kind of meanly because of things that I couldn't control. I once had a doctor (I think he was a psychologist, or something like that) who I went to when I was a little kid and he called me a "Bobo Brat", and apparently accused my mom of bad parenting. First of all, my Mom is NOT a bad parent!!!!! And secondly, perhaps what he may or may not have realized was that I was acting this way because I had really bad allergies, which affected my behaviour, thus making me feel and act this way. I also had an elementary school teacher who would firmly tell me to stop crying, even when I couldn't help crying. I was in a special class for my allergies, because I was very sensitive to the chemicals used in the "regular classrooms". Sooo, whether or not it is true, I believe that all these things have contributed to my fear of not having control and may have scarred me emotionally and psychologically for life.
And finally, there are a few other things I want to off my chest. As if I don't already worry enough, I found out in the news today that there was a 5.2 Magnitude earthquake in Quebec and it was close to Ottawa. I have family in Ottawa, so when I found out about this I started to worry and wonder if they are okay. Indeed, something bad has already happened and I have stopped doing some of rituals today. Sorry, but in my little irrational OCD brain, this is NOT a coincidence to me. How can I keep my cool when the world around my is falling apart? How can I let go of control when there is so much chaos and fear and suffering in the world?
Maybe I'll just go smoke some weed or something.