I really don't know what is wrong with me… I have never felt anxious like this in my whole life, and now I feel like I'm beginning to get depressed because I feel so anxious.
It all started exactly a month ago–I never smoke weed but I did on this particular night. I had an awful panic attack (first one in my whole 24 years of life) and it was the scariest thing I ever had to face. After that night, I feel like it opened up a new realm of emotions that I have never experienced before. I get anxiety attacks over irrational things. Mostly they come on because I worry about actually having an attack, and then that triggers it.
I was able to forget about it for a while, as I was finishing up my last couple of weeks of college. I was so busy so I guess I just didnt' think about it as much. On Christmas Eve, I had a pretty bad attack and I think it was triggered because I felt highly emotional. Christmas day was a tough day too, but I got through it. This whole week has been an absolute nightmare. I confessed to my fiance that I cheated on him (long story) but we are staying together. I guess I am feeling bad about this and things are a little weird with us right now. I just feel like I'm going crazy. And I'm afraid of going crazy… does this happen to people? I am continuously having irrational thoughts running through my head, like "what if I go crazy?" or "what if I become a killer?" (which I know I never ever could, so what gives?) I also worry about pushing people away from me, and not being able to recognize people for who they truly are. I feel like a ticking time bomb. Like I'm in a haze and all I can do is sit and stare or just sleep.
I have always been a bit anxious and a worrier, but never to this extent. I'm wondering if that night that I smoked caused it to just get worse because now I actually think about it. I don't want to be on medicine. I want to fight this on my own but I'm so scared that I'm not going to be able to. I really don't want to push people away from me. I'm just feeling very sad and upset at myself because of this. No one really understands. I feel so lost.