I really don't know what is wrong with me… I have never felt anxious like this in my whole life, and now I feel like I'm beginning to get depressed because I feel so anxious.

It all started exactly a month ago–I never smoke weed but I did on this particular night. I had an awful panic attack (first one in my whole 24 years of life) and it was the scariest thing I ever had to face. After that night, I feel like it opened up a new realm of emotions that I have never experienced before. I get anxiety attacks over irrational things. Mostly they come on because I worry about actually having an attack, and then that triggers it.

I was able to forget about it for a while, as I was finishing up my last couple of weeks of college. I was so busy so I guess I just didnt' think about it as much. On Christmas Eve, I had a pretty bad attack and I think it was triggered because I felt highly emotional. Christmas day was a tough day too, but I got through it. This whole week has been an absolute nightmare. I confessed to my fiance that I cheated on him (long story) but we are staying together. I guess I am feeling bad about this and things are a little weird with us right now. I just feel like I'm going crazy. And I'm afraid of going crazy… does this happen to people? I am continuously having irrational thoughts running through my head, like "what if I go crazy?" or "what if I become a killer?" (which I know I never ever could, so what gives?) I also worry about pushing people away from me, and not being able to recognize people for who they truly are. I feel like a ticking time bomb. Like I'm in a haze and all I can do is sit and stare or just sleep.

I have always been a bit anxious and a worrier, but never to this extent. I'm wondering if that night that I smoked caused it to just get worse because now I actually think about it. I don't want to be on medicine. I want to fight this on my own but I'm so scared that I'm not going to be able to. I really don't want to push people away from me. I'm just feeling very sad and upset at myself because of this. No one really understands. I feel so lost.

6 Comments
  1. veritas144k 9 years ago

    That happened to me 16 years ago as well and people want to legalize weed. Remember you will be stronger after this but you need to work and stay off all weeds and drugs. You found the right site. You are not going crazy and crazy thoughts and racing thoughts will always be there and are normal just dont act on them. Peace and if you need to ask any questions go ahead im a long time vet in this war against anxiety. Hope this helps and you can always ask me a question.

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  2. veritas144k 9 years ago

    Mary Jane is a Spiritual drug and WitchCraft. People laugh when I say this but it puts you into the spiritual and you opened the Pandoras box. There are evil spirits and now when they attacked you felt it. Normally you would not feel these attacks of evil but know you do. Get your prayer life in order and know you are not alone.

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  3. luvlee 9 years ago

    Nothing is wrong with you!

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  4. irvineguy 9 years ago

    Hi, thanks for sharing! My anxiety started in a similar manner in which I had a migraine and thus took some Tylenol with codeine to relieve the pain. I then took a jog shortly after and forgot about the drugs. Well surely enough, I felt very disoriented on my way back to my house from the jog and almost passed out. I was very scared and from that point on I have experienced anxieties ever since.

    I think what you went through is what I went through and I believe, personally, that I did something to my brain that has forever changed me. I tend to think of it as watching a movie with a person that has a super power that never knows it until stumbling upon it, accidently. Then the person cannot control it as well, at first, until he/she learns how to hone it. Although it would be nice if anxieties were a super power, they are not.

    Controlling anxieties is similar to having a super power (I guess) in that it is hard to figure out what is going on with ones self when first encountering it. I ultimately know you are not going crazy but it sure does feel like it at first. I also read that you do not want to take medication and that is great! Try to work things out on your own via stress management, healthy eating (staying away from sugar, alcohol, legal/illegal drugs, caffeine), and exercise. I think you did something to your body that can get better but with a combination of techniques, such as the ones specified above. Do keep in mind that you may need help with medication. You wouldn’t walk on a broken leg without the help of a crutch so the same should technically be applied to the mind with regards to anxieties.

    I am, though, sorry to hear of your pain. It really, really sucks to have anxieties but on a really far stretched thought, it opens one’s self to sympathy for others and compassion for life’s simplest things. I do at times feel that I do not take things for granted as much as I used too but would rather be jaded to their thoughts and not have anxiety. Just a thought.

    Hope that things are going better for you today :o)
    Chat soon…

    ~Dominic

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  5. Mo 9 years ago

    I understand.

    1. For people like us the holidays sometimes bring on a tailspin.If we can ride it out the dust often settles and we can resume our normal life.OK that was a joke.

    2. I smoked weed as a teenager….tried it again some years later (after the onset of my diagnosis and illness) and it made me paranoid too- to the point of almost pyschosis. I could relate\”what if i go crazy?\” Any drug changes the chemistry in my brain…..not good. Well; except for cafienne which i cannot live without lol.

    3.You reached out here…a very important step in your recovery to share the demons going on and to find comfort from the people here. If you keep coming here…eventually you will see ; we do understand.you may not feel so lost.

    4. I find when i can stand it to distract mysellf from all the racing thoughts, feelings and madness however I can. At really bad times I just rock back and forth in a chair – it comforts me. I have a purple, plush, toasty robe I wear…that comforts me. Maybe you can find something that distracts you and comforts you abit at the same time. TLC yourself…..you deserve it right now. And you are worth it.

    My best wishes that you get thru this and feeling better just dont give up before the miracle happens.

    Mo

    Mo

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  6. violet_xoxo 9 years ago

    I\'ve been anxious since I was a child, but looking back I remember it getting worse when I was 12..first time I smoked weed. I did it occasionally after that, had a paranoid episode, and stay away from the stuff now. I\'m glad you came here..the support is amazing and we all understand. Meds aren\'t a necessity in all cases. Talk therapy is useful. Meditation/prayer, mindfulness, CBT therapy helps a lot too. I wish you the best in finding the right healthy tools for your situation.

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