So heres where I am today. For as long as I can remember Ive basically been the poster child for clinical depression, and I dont hide it very well. I cant remember the last time I was truly happy, or even remotely content. Ive become something that I always tried to avoid, and I feel truly bitter about it.
I guess the best place to start is to tell you exactly where I am right now. Im 24 years old, and just recently decided that returning to college would be in my best interest. I have no job, no house, no source of income or anticipation or excitement in this world at the moment. I owe alot of people various amounts of money and have no idea how Im going to repay them, and I hate being in debt because it makes me feel like Im incapable of taking care of myself. To put it plainly Im hopelessly lost, and I know that I have noone to blame for this but myself. But Im sick and tired of being sick and tired and I know that Im capable of being the man I know I actually am, and leaving this shadow of myself behind. And the first step I need to take is to tackle my absurd fear of people in general.
Ive always considered myself very lucky in the fact that I know that Im a fairly attractive young man. I have the power of presence which has become as much of a gift as a curse. People tend to notice me whenever I enter a room, and remember me when Im gone, but the problem is that most people associate me with danger. You see when I was younger I experienced more than I think I should have, and its made me very callous and defensive. I dont know exactly why people feel that Im dangerous, or a threat in anyway because I have nothing but the best intentions toward anyone I meet. But everyone Ive ever known has told me that I just look like Im ready to fuck someones world up or that Im always mad or ready to fight. This of course is completely untrue however, I dont really care enough to go out and make enemies and its the last thing on earth I need at this point. However, this doesnt really come as a surprise to me anymore, as I can completely understand how people come to these conclusions. I know I always have this blank expression on my face, and I pay close attention to my surroundings, so Im always watching those around me, and I never really have anything to contribute to anyones conversations, so I sit there silent as well. I have no delusions as to why I make people uneasy, but I want to learn how to fix it.
My problem has always been the simple fact that I dont know what to say or how to relate to people. I guess I never really learned how to express myself properly, but this is something that I think if I can learn to overcome would be a great first step on my journey to stop being a miserable prick. I just dont know how to carry a conversation properly and keep it going. Ive been doing research on this too and every source tells me the exact same thing, read more, pay attention to the news, learn to ask open ended questions…etc etc. I still havent been able to come up with much. So thats why Im here I guess, to share my shortcomings and ask for guidance, so if anyone has any recommendations on finding interest in anything and developing opinions I beg of you please to share your wisdom. It may seem like a simple thing to most, but its something that Ive been struggling with for years and its driving me crazy!