I've got that Nine Inch Nails song in my head and I haven't even heard it in years and years. But "down in it" is how I can sum up my mood today. One of those days I wake up with an intense feeling of dread and fear for no apparent reason. I drag myself out of bed, look around and feel like I'm in a swamp. My house is such a wreck! But I am working two jobs and my husband works long hours – there is never time to get anything done. The unfortunate truth of the day is that anxiety rules my life. I suffer greatly from intrusive harm thoughts and they are really bugging me today. Making me feel very guilty and repulsive and crazy. The fact that I can name so many different feelings shows that I've spent way too much time analyzing my thoughts, when I know I'm supposed to be letting them be. But I am in a funk right now and the mood is causing the ocd to be worse today. Does anyone else out there always feel like something bad's about to happen? Do you feel like you're lost inside yourself? I'm actually surprised that I am able to act normal. The intense negativity going on inside me right now – yet I can act normal. You know what I want? I want to take a vacation to a beautiful place and have some fun. But when I think of actually going (not that it's a possibility anyway), I am afraid to go anywhere and have fun because something bad might happen if I get happy. Another thing I'd like to do is find someone who really is happy and get inside their head for awhile. I'd love to know what that's like.