This blog is on something that's always on my mind. It's one of the things that on a bad day only makes it worse.
Most people on this site and a lot of people I have met over the years have real, obvious problems, issues, and coping mechanisms. Panic attacks, high anxiety, suicidal thoughts, all of that kind of stuff. Me, I'm just weird. I hardly ever exhibit a sign of any kind of depression. But all I can tell you is that on the inside I feel like im dying. And there's just no one around to notice. So I'm just gonna go through all the things I've heard of people doing or seen people do in regards to coping mechanisms or things relating to anxiety and the like and discuss how completely opposite I am.
Panic Attacks – Many people including my so-called best friend suffer from panic attacks. I simply wish I did. I hate the fact that I never show any signs of weakness or stress to the people around me, because then if I mention my depression or anger or true thoughts they just don't believe me because I have nothing showing to back me up. But what happens to me instead of panic attacks when I'm really stressed or in a bad situation? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Sure on the inside im freaking out and feeling like the person next to me who IS having a panic attack, but I never let on. So people just go on thinking im fine when in reality I'm just as messed up as them.
Crying Spells – A lot of depressed people suffer from crying spells. Me, rarely. Sometimes I'll go through phases where I can't stop crying but those are few and far between. Usually, I'm just WISHING i could cry. Feeling like i need to but never able to. I've never really been a crier, but when you feel as depressed as i do sometimes, all i want to do is be able to cry myself to sleep.
Extreme Emotion – A lot of people also have extreme emotion highs and lows. Or anger fits, that type of thing. Me, all of my emotion is always on the inside. If I'm angry I don't go punch walls, or need to exercise, or yell at everyone around me. I just go quiet and stew in a corner and no one's the wiser. But I WISH i needed to do those things when I'm that emotional. I know it's a release for a lot of people … and I'm envious that that's just not me. I never really get my emotional release from anywhere because I'm always the silent one who doesn't ever talk about anything going on in her head.
Cutting – Is it weird that I wish this was a habit for me just because I like scars? Also, because then I feel like people would finally see me for the depressed person I am, and not the bubbly, happy persona that I put on every day. But, the few times that I have done it I could barely even get enough pressure to do it. Too chicken I guess. And then I just feel shittier that I'm too pathetic to even be able to do that. Like I'm not strong enough to really do it.
Suicidal Thoughts – When my "best friend" described to me how her suicidal thoughts were formed in her head, I realized then that in comparison I've never truly been suicidal. She has had the guts to make a noose, and really jump from the tree. But she survived it, miraculously. And then to try again and again, even slitting her wrists but she's survived. Me, I only think about it. And that makes me feel even shittier because I don't even have the guts to do that. But the thing is, it's not the dying that scares me, I just don't like pain. So if i can find a painless way of going (garage, turn on car?) I think I can do it. but slitting my wrists? Hanging myself? jumping? Im just too chicken to feel that pain. I just want death. I think that's why i smoke, hoping to get lung cancer so it will do it for me. But anyway, sure i think about dying all the time, all day, and i picture it, and i long for it, but i hate myself for being too chicken to really pull the trigger, so to speak.
And the worst thing of all is this: Most depressed people have signs. If you went in to a doctor, they'd believe you right away. Me, however, I just look like a normal girl. I've learned to hide everything extremely well and now that's just me. The cold one. Emotionless. Even though I'm just like the rest of you on the inside. But i can't bring myself to seek help because who would believe me anyway? I have so much more than so many people, I should be happy in comparison. But I'm not. I haven't been for a long time. And i don't really think i will be again. but i wish i could show that on the outside, instead of going through my life with a fake persona attached. I'm tired of trying to live up to expectations, when I don't have any for myself.
And I'm tired of trying to lead a normal life when I feel like I'm barely holding it together. Perhaps my finally having the guts to end it isn't such a far-off dream after all.
