I'm in a DECENT mood, go out and get my Dad the last $100.00 of his rent money so we'll have money to eat on until later this week, get him his energy pills, get him BEER so that he'll be happy at least for a little bit and my sister-in-law makes spaghetti for dinner. I go get him up, he says he's getting up. A few minutes later, she goes to tell him cause he still isn't up and he busts out the "I don't feel too good" excuse.
I swear, if I had a buck for EVERY TIME that came out of his mouth….
It's ALWAYS "I don't feel good" when he's either 1) having a depressive spell, 2) just too tired to get up, 3) just doesn't FEEL like getting up right then and there for WHATEVER reason… and you don't know if it's psychological, like depressed or tired, or if it's like something physical. And because he's a diabetic, if it's PHYSICAL, we wanna know what it is, right? So we can give him something. If you ASK HIM what's wrong, he only gets pissed off and just keeps repeating, "I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T FEEL GOOD!"
Now, in a 5 MINUTE period of time he goes from, "Okay, I'm getting up," to "I don't feel good," his standard excuse when he wants to be left alone to be lazy, or wallow in his own annoyances in his head and make everyone else run around and do HIS errands, try to get EVERYTHING to please him and crap and STILL he don't wanna even get OUT OF BED. I have to deal with this EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's like WHY do I even BOTHER? Am I going to have to do this every day for the rest of my life until he passes away? I LOVE MY FATHER. Don't get me wrong. He's USUALLY my best friend. He gets me more than any person on earth. He's done everything for me. But Goddamnit, how much catering do I have to do to him to get him to wake the FUCK UP and be social? Be AWAKE with the rest of the world and STOP these fucking excuses!??? Or at LEAST talk to me and tell me WHY you don't want to wake the fuck up and get up after you've been sleeping EVERY DAY, ALL DAY!?
I am NEVER going to be able to move out when he keeps doing this. *I* can't handle it, I can IMAGINE what state he's gonna be in when me and my husband get a place and move out. Which is going to be AS SOON AS we get enough money to do so, because I simply cannot live in a house like this much longer. I can't live not knowing what mood everyone's gonna be in when I'm taking MEDICATION to STABILIZE MY OWN mood and STRUGGLING to keep myself just running at an even keel day by day. It's worse when my husband is out of town because I have no one that "Gets Me" besides my FATHER, and HE'S passed out asleep all day with his "I don't feel good excuse" so he's no help. At least Terry can make me laugh and pull me out of this darkness. I've been feeling like cutting so much more day by day and I don't know how much longer I can keep myself from doing it…
Maybe I need to go back to therapy. Or something. I'm never going to make any progress with my life unless I just shut it all out and deal with me… but I just don't have the capacity to do that. I care too much about those around me. I can't just not think about everyone else around me and concentrate on me and Terry… especially when he's out of town so much, if I concentrate just on ME then I'm being SELFISH, right?
I don't know. My mind is so conflicted right now I'm getting a migraine. Going to go take a 2nd dose of meds and try and relax. Not much more I can do. This is my Life. Whatever.