how am i supposed to sit here and do this english paper when so much else is going on? we are writing about this documentary on scrabble that we watched and i just can't care enough to do it. how is this going to help me in life? how is this going to fix the fact that my life is falling apart? although i'm never really sure i got it all back together after the breakdown. writing this is going to fix the fact that i'm so afraid of gaining weight that i can't eat without almost having a panic attack. that i purge half the things i eat. that i self harm cuz i'm so stressed out. it won't fix the fact that my mom just had a break down and had to go into a ward for a couple of days. that she is so thin from not eating that she looks like she will snap in two. it won't fix, not even help the fact that my boyfriend is on the verge of killing himself. that his family hates me because of my race. that i worry that i'll never get to be with him again, never get to see him again. never hold him again or kiss him again because he might hurt himself. we're long distance. met for 5 days and that's all. i tasted happiness for 5 days and then was ripped away from it again.i love him so much and couldn't go on if anything happened to him. so college on top of that just seems pointless. this english paper is not going to help me in any way. i highly doubt i'll get it done which sucks cuz then i will fail the class. and it will be the 3rd english class that i've failed while in college cuz i can't write papers. i have a panic attack any time i try to so i always put it off until the end and get tons of extensions and then just wind up not doing it. i can't focus. i can barely get out of bed in the morning and have been skipping class cuz it's just to much to leave my room. i wonder what the point of any of this is anymore. if i will even make it to graduate. sometimes i worry if i will make it to tomorrow. so the point of this english paper…there isn't one. it's not gonna fix the fact that life sucks…so why do it?

 

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