i am gonna type what i would type to my ex in a e-mail telling him just how much he’s hurt me & what not….

Dear Jordan,
I think it’s high time you know exactly what you have done to me. Let’s start from the begining, we were friends & you were so cute & sweet, caring, loving, everything. You were everything i hoped for in a guy, you knew what my past ex’s had done to me & swore you weren’t like that. You finally asked me to be your girlfriend & of course i accepted because by this time i was fully in love with you & i thought you were fully in love with me or so it seemed. As months past we grew closer but then i thought our friend Kristi was trying to steal you, then we thought it was my friend Lux, i gave up my best friend for you, Lux had been with me threw everything. But love has a way of making you blind, niave & what not. Then i dont even remember why i thought Sarah was trying to steal you from me but i did. I wasn’t trying to be a bitch, i wanted you all to myself, call me selfish but i loved you & still do & i didnt want you to find someone better then me & drop me like a bad habit. Then after a few months you started to change, you werent the jordan i fell in love with you were almost crazed. You wanted me to come see you which i had no objectives to but no one knew about us besides our mothers. and i was scared you might never understand why but i was. I had never been in love before only 2 people i loved more then anything were my mom & my papa, when my papa died i felt vulnerable & turned to my mom for support she filled that void until you came along. Then i was overwhelmed with all these feelings i never had before for one person that it scared me cause it didnt want to get hurt, ive been through so mcuh & continue to be put threw so much so sorry if i have a problem with trust. Then i started getting sick again & you knew of my problems but still while i was gone for being sick you started talking to Ally & when i came back admited to me you were falling for her. That hurt me so bad but i recovered & we moved on. Then a few months past & we had over comes obsticals that every couple do but then you just stopped talking all together, I was deleted from your myspace everything. I deserved an explanation. So i logged into your myspace acct since i had set it to private & saw you had a new g/f with a girl. I dont remember her name nor do i want to. I thought it was the end & was mad i shredded your pictures & e-mailed you telling you in so many words it was messed up. Then you begged me to take you back & call you at your moms. So i did, we talked everything out & i gave you a second chance. Not a month or so went by & you seemed distant. Then that faithful night kristi came on & tried with all her might to help us & i thought it worked but as i have fount out you’re a good actor. That saturday the saturday that would end it all. You seemed fine when you came home from practice but when i confieded in you like i thought i could since you were my boyfriend i told you i thought Sam(my uncle) was touching me in a inapropreate manner & you flipped out & basically made me feel like i was a cheap whore who desevred it & probably like it. News flash no one deserves nor likes what has happened to me. Your not a woman you’re not vulnerable like me. You dont know what its like to be cornered by someone bigger then you & have them touch you & you try to get them to stop but you cant cause you’re so small it doesnt fase them. The way you treated me was not from the jordan i fell in love with that was someone else, someone in the same categories as my sadistic father. I would never hurt you like you’ve hurt me, never i would rather die then hurt you, but i guess that was a one way street. Ever since you broke my heart & all those promises, i have cried myself to sleep every night, my mind races mostly about you & what i did, what happened, what could i have done different. I barely eat, i barely sleep with nothing but nightmares & dreams about you & me. I have thought about you non-stop wondering if this was hurting you as much as me & what you were doing & thinking about & if you missed me or anything because if i remember you always saying if you didnt have me in your life you would cry yourself to sleep everynight. but i guess that went away with the rest of the promises & all. I know you’ve moved on which if you ask me is pretty messed up since its only been 3 or 4 days since but i guess i was just some little girl who feel for you but you didnt fall for me & you fount someone better & you had to find some way around me & to get rid of me. You hurt me so bad jordan you have no idea. i hope that when you go to sleep at night you here my silent screams for help & for the pain to stop that you have inflicted on me. I hope that when you tell this girl you’ll love her forever & never hurt her you see my tear stained face & remember all you promised me. I hope that every time you pick up your guitar & play wether for her or with you band you remember me & all the support i should you. I hope that one day you’ll be able to feel a inkling of the pain you’ve cause me. I still love you so much & miss you. and i know you said we coulda stayed friend but im not the kind of girl that can love half of a person or thing or whatever, i either love fully or not at all & you know that & to be able to talk to you & know she’s on the other screen or whatever & its not me, is a crime worse then murder. but you are a murderer you’ve murdered my heart & even threw all the pain & hurt you may think i hate you & wish you would die but i dont. I miss you & i love you. Im not asking for you back, cause i believe one day you’ll wake up & realise what you let get away…and thats me, cause by the time you realise this, i will be over you & moved on. But i will always love you, you were my first true love & i meant every word of what i said back in our relationship.

in my heart forever,
victoria