Last night my family went to my aunt and uncle's place for dinner. Mom made it all and we brought it with us. It was supposed to be our late Christmas get-together, but it sure didn't feel joyful like Christmas. My Mom took a separate car because we had to leave early enough to get Zachary to bed by 8 p.m. That didn't work. I think he finally fell asleep sometime after 9.

Things were pretty emotional at dinner yesterday evening; my Uncle can barely stand up and he's getting weaker by the day. It's gotten to the point that he really shouldn't be using a walker at all, he needs to be in his wheelchair. It broke my heart watching him struggle so hard just to stand up. I'm watching him fail fairly quickly and there's nothing I can do about it.

I guess the worst part (and I knew it was coming) was that yesterday my Aunt filled out the paperwork for him on a DNR (Do Not Resucitate) and also prohibiting the hospital to put in feeding tubes or breathing tubes, etc…

My Aunt was a complete wreck. She had been crying so much that hereyes were almost swollen shut. I felt like crying too but knew better than to do that around my Uncle and family. He knows it's not going to be too long now and made a comment to me about it. I told him I would see himnext week and he hugged me and looked me in theeyes and said, "Ifyou're lucky" with a sadsmile.

There's talk about sending him back to rehab but what's the point? He's sleeping all the time now, can't hearalmost anything, losing his vision, often just spaces out and doesn't respond if you try to wake him. He's down to skin and bones and he's always been a little heavy.Hestill struggles to eat because part of his throat is paralyzed from the hemorrhage, and ittakes him a long time to chewanythingup enough to swallow it. Why can't they just leave him be? It makes me so angry because he shouldn't have to spend what's left of the timehe has in a hospital setting. The man wants to die at homewith some dignity. Let him be dammit!He wants to be at home where he's more comfortable and things are familiar; his dog (which he loves with all his heart), his cat and his wife. I don'tknow why anyone is sticking their nose in his business.

What I don't understand is why he's not getting help a few times a week from a nurse. He's a veteran andthe VA has programs to help with failing vets and their needs. He's notready for hospice yet, and I have the feeling he's just going to pass away in his sleep anyhow.It would be for the best for him… I don't want him to suffer any more than he is already.

Our biggest concernis what's going to happen to my Aunt when he passes. Not just emotionally but physically. When my Uncle passes the income stops and she can't work. She's going to have to sell the house and hope that there's money leftover for her to use. There's discussion about her moving into the house my Mom has (it's amanufactured home), but my Mom's afraid she'll become suicidal again (this happened the lasttime she lived there after her divorce 18 years ago).I love my aunt but if she moves in, I'm out. I can't deal with her except in small doses. Living with her would destroy my realtionship with her, and possible my relationship with my Mom, and my husband and son. If we have to rent a 1 room flat with asingle bathroom and a kitchen area that's what we'll do. It's just a matter of findingone.

I don't feel like I have it in me to beproductive today. For the past few days I've been making myself go out and do stuff so I get away fromthe house, but it's been really difficult to do. Today I'm supposed to run to the grocery store again to get paper towels because we're out. Doesn't that sound like fun?! Yeah, that's what I thoughttoo. Maybe today I'll dochores here at the house. I need to fold and putaway all the laundry for my son and I'm supposed to go through his things and get rid of the stuff he's outgrown. I swear this is a never-endingprocess! But at least I'll feel more peaceful by having a clean space and feel like I accomplished something.

I think I've decided that I'm goingto go back to work for 1 day a week. This way I'll keep my job and when (and if) I start doing better I can add another day ortwo.I'm going to talk with mytherapist tonight at our session about it and seehow she feels about me going back yet. Knowing her she'll probably see it as a good thing and progress. What itreally amounts to is the need to get out of the house and bring in at least alittle money each week. It'll be a littletough but I think I could do it. I may wait another week or two, let me get myselftogether and prepared for dealing with people again.

Guess I bettergo find something to do.I just feel overwhelmed whenI look around me. There's stuff piled onevery table randomly, can't even sit at the counter because there'sso much junk. I REALLYwant to get the apartmentclean but with conflicting schedules it's really difficult to find the time to do it with Aaron sleeping days and getting up in the evening; when he gets up that's our family time and it's only for 2-4 hours. Then we have to putZacharyto bed. I can't wait till Aaron starts day shift.

I hope everyone is well and having a decent day.(((HUGS)))