How do you choose between your parents?

The financial supporter or the mother who’s dedicated her life to her children?

Here’s the situation…

My dad… I hate the person he’s become & there’s so much I want to tell him, but I have to keep my mouth shut. Why? Because if I say anything to him, he’ll take it out on my mom.  My dad’s always been the breadwinner, and thinks that motherhood has no value.  I hate that he’s an alcoholic, I hate that I just found out he’s got an addiction to cigarettes and has been smoking for years, I hate that he said that he talks down to my mother b/c she’s less educated than him, I hate how he lied to me and said he married my mother to get her away from an abusive father but has only brought her back to her childhood experiences, I hate how emotionless he is, I hate how he thinks if you don’t make money, then you have no value. I hate that he verbally abuses my mother in front of us, I hate that he drinks and drives and I hate how he’s instilled a sense of fear in his children who want nothing to do with him anymore… and he wonder’s why….I don’t know how much more damage he can do before someone drives themselves to suicide. This is madness.

My mom… my heart goes out to her, but she refuses to stick up for herself or take her own advice. She’s got married young, and had 5 children by the time she was 24.  She only has a high school education, and has been dependent on my father’s income. She has no money to her name, had an addiction to gambling 10 years ago which put my father in debt, and grew up with an alcoholic father who was physically and verbally abusive. I feel bad for her b/c she is in a vulnerable situation.  She always says she’s waiting for "the right time" to say something to him, but there is no "right time". She cries alone, and tries to protect us by enduring my father’s behaviour, but it’s done so much damage to her internally, that I don’t know if she’ll ever recover. I think she feels like she owes my father her life based on the fact that she put him in debt and has always depdended on him financially. 

It’s a tug-of-war, and they always make me the messenger. I hate it. I have to hear about all the verbal garbage my dad says from my mom… and my dad complains about how stupid my mom is and how she ruins his life.

It’s killing me inside, and people wonder why I’m suffering so much internally, why I don’t laugh, why I’ve become more serious, why I don’t smile, and why I don’t have time to go out… it’s because I stay home to protect my family. Some may think it’s not my responsability or my war to battle, but it’s my family, and good or bad, I’ll be here no matter what.

This may not sound like a big deal to some of you, but to me it’s my entire world.

Thank you for taking the time to read this…