Hi Depression Tribe,
Haven't been on here for a while.
When I was last here I was in a completely different state. I was depressed. Everything felt blurry all the time. I was walking around in a daze like state. Almost like permanent dissociation.
It isn't like that now. A few months ago it felt like someone turned on the lights and now everything is amplified. I feel so driven now. I have just recently found out I got into Uni on a really amazing music course. I am SO SO SO fucking determined to do well out of this. I am full of ambition. I am driven by burning desire. And I've been full of energy and making loads of plans. But I also have had a couple of shitty times. I had a big panic attack after a show I went to a few weeks ago. Not going to go into detail but it was horrible. I was shouting at people and everyone was ignoring me pretending not to see me cause I obviously looked crazy. Makes me so angry. Then I had another panic attack and a bit of a traumatic experience which I'm not going to go into detail of.
I just keep having really horrible lows but they aren't like before, they are very raw and feel very real. They hurt bad. Whereas before everything felt unreal and blurry. Now everything is vivid.
So when my bad emotions come they hurt reallllllly bad. The other day I just sat and cried for about 3 hours without stopping. Sobbing loudly. I think my whole neighbourhood heard me.
I've just talked for about 3 hours, one topic went into another. I started talking about how I feel we are all plugged into a system. How none of us are really free and how I feel like we are all puppets being unconsciously influenced by external things which are influencing our choices in life and programming us to make certain choices that we think are our own but actually their due to an influence we just aren't consciously aware of. Then this somehow went from topic to topic and turned into how I have nobody and nobody loves me and I am all alone in the world. And how I'm completely unsupported.
It's like the more I kept talking the more I just became full of a sense of darkness and frustration. And it got worse and worse to the point of feeling almost suicidal but not quite. I don't want to die but I felt such a feeling of darkness in myself and in the world it just felt like I couldn't stand to be in it for a second longer.
I feel slightly better now. But I still feel really fucking frustrated and like I need to do something. I was going to go for a walk but I think I'm gunna clean instead. I just don't understand myself.
Everything just seemed to be going so well. And I felt so good and now I just keep having these downs again. And when I do they are so intense and bad. I just don't know. Thought I would come on here and submit my thoughts to the Internet anyway.