I wish I could just enjoy the time my brother, my parents and I are together just talking. But currently, I would love nothing more than to seek solitude in my room…then part of me feels I need to stay with them. My brother doesn’t come home very often and when he is here, he wants to talk with them and maybe me.
It’s like now, they are in the kitchen discussing drinking and the impact it has on them. And then here I am, on the couch trying to stay occupied and ignore the feelings of not belonging.
I wish I could say I felt better since talking with my brother about my dark thoughts but I don’t. I still wish with all my heart I could take it all back.
At one point, what we believe came into play and how we viewed life, including death. All I could think about is how I still wish I would just go away…I feel like an idiot for not just accepting what is, apparently, a gift.
As serious as my nature tends to be, here my parents and brother are discussing drinking and the affects it often has, and yet I would love nothing more than to seek sanctuary in my room.
The waves of melancholy regarding Harley’s passing are still hitting me…and as the days pass and I think the grieving process should be progressing, I feel more eccentric and strange because I am in more pain over an animal’s passing than I have been about a human’s. I don’t even feel I have passed the stage of denial…
I guess I am in that place where any small incident makes me feel extreme emotions. For instance, I commented on a picture of my cousin where he is holding a small shark and he didn’t seem to acknowledge me…the fact I let something that insignificant bother me makes me furious.
I envy those who are able to detach from their emotions and surroundings and turn off their feelings. I would give anything to mentally shut down right now.