I feel like I’m bloody disappearing! I hate feeling this way, and I get no relief! I just put some makeup on to make myself feel better, but it’s not taking away this terrible disappearing feeling, that I have day in and day out. I’m drinking a cup of oolong, it’s really good. I don’t really know what to write about, I just know I want to write something. It helps me in the moment to write. I just don’t want to go through this anymore! When will it end? My therapist said something yesterday that frightened me; we were talking about God and how I can’t feel His presence. My therapist said, God must be here, otherwise we would die. That’s precisely the problem! I feel like I’m dying, and that God is NOT here. It was meant to be a comforting statement, but it was far from comforting. I feel like God is not here, therefore I also feel like I am disappearing because God is not here to hold me together. This is literal, I’m literally disappearing.

I need God desperately, but I cannot find Him here in this awful place. Everything is awful, it really is. My husband won’t be home for another six hours and ten minutes. How in the world am I going to be able to wait that long? I really feel like I can’t. I will have to, but I don’t know how. The bad voice says I don’t have a choice, and it certainly feels like I don’t. I just want to be ok again! Why is that so much to ask for? I just want to be ok! I want to feel safe! I want to feel whole, not like I’m bloody disappearing! The bad voice is really getting to me, but it’s more than just the bad voice, it’s the whole feeling that I have, that I’m disappearing. It is so terrible, I can’t even explain it. I want to live! I want my life back! But as it is right now, I can’t live. How can I live my life when I am disappearing? This is literally happening to me, I need real help, not just words. I need God! But where is He? This is why I’m full of despair, because I have no control over how I’m feeling, and I need God but can’t find Him anywhere. My husband said he doesn’t want me to ever say “I can’t” again, but right now, I really can’t! I can’t do anything! I can’t do anything but sit here and type into this computer, and drink tea. This is all I’ve been doing for weeks now, just typing and sipping tea. And laundry, of course, and dishes, and making the bed. But things just don’t feel right, they don’t look right to my eyes. I don’t know what to do! I can’t deal with this for another six hours, I just can’t! I need my husband to come back home, desperately!

I don’t know what to do! I can’t do anything! I took half my dose of Seroquel early this morning, but it’s not doing a darn thing to help me! Nothing helps! I don’t know what to do! In the past, the only thing that would help was to have my husband come home and be with me. Now, that doesn’t even help anymore! I mean, it’s better to have him here than not have him here, but I still have to deal with all my symptoms whether he’s here or not. I need help! And I don’t know what kind of help I need, because I can’t explain what’s happening to me. I’m just literally disappearing! I don’t know what to do! I need my husband here with me to hold me and tell me I’m safe. The bad voice says, “You were safe.” Everything seems to be in the past tense. I was safe, but am no longer. Unfortunately, that matches up with how I’m feeling. I don’t want to believe that it’s true, but it certainly feels that way. I don’t feel safe! I don’t feel safe at all! I need help! I’m sad, I’m scared, I’m terrified, I’m miserable. When will it end? Where is the relief promised by Jesus? Where is Jesus?