I feel stupid saying this here, but I guess I just don't know where else to say it. It seems too hard to put into actual spoken word, which I find so irritating because I've always prided myself on being able to talk to people in an honest and open way. Ok, well here goes…
I've always been a very sexually-driven person, for as long as I care to remember. As you can imagine, this has at times led me to some very dark places, metaphorically speaking. I have been involved in things I am not proud of, and I have had things happen to me against my will that no individual should ever have to go through. Regardless of that, sex for me has always been a way to try and fill the void, the emptyness inside me that never seems to go away and that nothing ever seems to eradicate. In every other way I feel so inferior; I am incredibly small, petite one might say, and I see this as a flaw.. one that strangers often like to point out to me, usually by making fun of me. I let it pass me by fr the most, but sometimes it all gets a little too much and I break.
Anyway; I digress.
I think my main point here, after all the spurious rambling above, is simply that I have lost my sex drive, and without it I feel very very …lost. I feel bad for feeling nothing when I am touched. I feel bad for not wanting to reciprocate. And worst of all – I feel bad for doing something just because I now it will please someone else…. but I do it anyway. Because I hate disappointing people. I have no choice but to accept the fact that my medication has completely destroyed my once thriving libido. I know it's only a temporary measure, as soon as I am no longer on meds it will come back. But right now, I need my meds to keep my mind on a decent level. I'm afraid that without them I shall break. But I am also afraid that without giving in to sexual demand, I am very soon going to be alone again. Oh.. and to top it off, my mood swings are getting worse. One minute I'm vaguely happy, upbeat, the next i am so so low it actually hurts inside. There seems to be no trigger to the switch in emotions, and I wish I could explain why this has suddenly started happening to me.
I'll stop now. I've probably said far too much. I just wish I felt… something.