This hasn't been a better day at all. Upon waking I found out my cousin has no chance of lasting through the night. She doesn't know anyone and is barely breathing at all. My mom, who was best friends with her, couldn't make it to visit in time because real life got in the way. I think I'm more upset about it than I want to be. I've been at a low all day, feeling frustrated, hopeless and battling crying a few times. I've had a headache all day, and am feeling the effects of 75 sit ups and squats. Probably not a lot on some people's terms. I remained inside and kind of lounged on the couch not knowing what else to do. When you feel that bad what else is there? Anyways, I browsed the web for a bit until something caught my eye. I don't usually click on adds but this one was on a site that I love to get updates from. I saw my dream home. A beautiful place in Virginia, amazingly affordable, and with room for horses. After the initial wow wore off I felt the sting. I could never afford it even at the price they wanted. I think at that moment everything tried to hit me all at once. I realized that I do have dreams that I'll never be able to fulfill because of where I am at right now. I feel so stupid because I let myself fall. I was so blind that I couldn't even see an answer that was probably right in front of me all along. Now here I am just barely dealing with waking up every day. I hate myself so much. I'll never be able to do the stuff that I want to do. I'll never even get to see my dying family members before they pass on. I can't help anyone like I've always wanted to do. I can't change the world. I can't write a book. I can't even have a dream home with horses. I give up. I'm such a huge failure. I fail at life. Gah I can't  write anymore or I'll start crying again. Dang it! Good night all. Sorry for all the ranting. I just don't know what else to do.

1 Comment
  1. Epic_Fail 13 years ago

    She passed away early this morning. I feel so horrible now. I want to cry but I don't want to in front of people. I don't know what to do. I think I'm just going to spend this day in bed again.

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