you got my heartbeat running away..

spoke to him yesterday evening. Turns out he had run out of phone credit, and was waiting for me to call desperatly. That sure makes me feel good.. and bad that I waited a whole day to talk to him. I kinda feel like I was testing him.. i shouldn't have. I feel bad about that actually.

When I spoke to him, he told me about some issues he's having at work. Some bitch is accusing him of sexual harrassment because he rejected her. Unbelievable. ANYWAY silver lining in the situation.. hes coming back down here for a few weeks!!! YAY. i'm really happy about that. Means i wont have to wait till April to see him again. That was sure some good news.

I tell you something though, when he was telling me about this situation, the way he first started telling me about this "pretty girl who was hitting on me" my heart.. i thought he was going to say that he had found someone else. I was waiting for it.. i really was. I know i'm insecure. Until i'm over there for sure, i think i'll always be that way.

Anyway it was nice talking to him.

On a wierder note.. I had some wierd SI thoughts over the last couple of days. Like there was this voice in my head saying "you really should hurt yourself Jacqui.. you should break your leg". And then all i could think about was breaking my leg.. or arm. Its going over and over. The odd thing about this really is, when it comes to SI, i've been a cutter. Its been something that i love the sight of blood. But to have this more "internal" harm thoughts. I dont know. It's not been leaving me. I keep on thinking of these wierd things. Its not too full on right now. Just like white noise to my life.

White noise actually scares me. that sound.. like when your radio or tv is out of tune. I really hate it.. it makes me really jumpy. When ever i have it,i have to turn it off, or turn down the volume.. anyone else have that?