It's 6:30 a.m., and I am up again. (sigh) I would give so much to get over this damned flu-bug and be able to get some real sleep. Maybe tomorrow…
I don't know what to write about tonight. Usually blogging helps me clear my head and focus, or at least get what's spinning around in my head out into the open and on paper (well internet, lol) so that I can scrutinize it.
I was hoping I'd be finished packing and moving by now- but no such luck. Between Z and I having this bug not much has gotten accomplished.
I'm feeling really lonely tonight. When I'm not feeling well my depression tends to flare up and I get insomnia. I start ruminating over the negatives in my life and allow myself to soak in self-pity for awhile, believing that this disease has made me a failure and that I won't ever be "well" again.
So, while I lay on the couch tonight tossing and turning I thought about all of the mistakes, regrets, hurts and such that own my mind at times like that. The weather wasn't much help either- it's that cool, windy, whipping rain thats comes in sideways, and it's been this way for days.
Part of me wanted to go wake my husband, ask him to sit up with me and talk…but I know that it would just be unfair to him because he has to be at work at 7 am and he would resent it anyhow. So I'd have a pissed off husband who didn't get it, and me sick and exhausted and emotionally bottomed from lack of good sleep and just stress and feeling crappy.
Nope. Not worth it.
So I just lay there for awhile and stared at the windows and the way the water trickles down the glass from the rain and took what little comfort I could from the fact that I was INSIDE under a warm blanket while the outside world was cold and wet.
I spend so much time trying to find ways to communicate with other people, to make that connection, that necessary bond. This morning I would have given anything to have that bond with someone like me, someone I could have called and cried to about being sick for a week and the state of my life and the deterioration of my marriage and how much worse the depression makes all of it. But I just whispered my words to the wind outside, and hoped they carried to someone, somewhere who was listening.
It' s like the Pink Floyd song off of The Wall-
"Is there Anybody out there?"
Sure doesn't feel like it tonight.
Tomorrow will be better. When I wake up this flu will be miraculously all gone and I'll be able to keep up with my son and pack and do all sorts of stuff besides trying to get through each hour upon hour until Aaron gets home and can watch Z for awhile (so I can get some rest).