Tonight well today as it's now 3am.. I've put my mood as fearful due to the fact all night I've been having suicidal thoughts, and when I get these thoughts it scares the shit out of me.[br]  I'm so confused right now, I'm sick of the anxiety and I'm sick of life tbh. When is it going to be my time to die? I want to go now but no one will let me….What is the point of being alive!? I don't have anything to live for, I have no future…I'm not good at anything except with kids and animals. I'm never going to get a decent job…Im 22 soon and I have achieved nothing. I'm only living for the sake of my family, I wish they would see that i'm not happy being alive…I love them so much and I know they love me…but this isn't a life is it?[br] I'm so unhappy right now…my moods are getting worse…not better! I'm finding myself drinking alot because the medication i'm on isn't helping. people tell me to think positive, well bollox to that, whats to feel positive about?[br] I'm so tired, I'm slowly just giving up and I'm walking around like a fucking zombie, I'm that weak that I cant even hurt myself anymore with my trusty piece of glass I keep stashed in my bathroom.[br] Sometimes I think why are people so selfish? people can see i'm unhappy and yet they wont let me die!? Then again do I want to die? I want to kill myself but I don't want to die, does that make sense?[br] James's parents are meant to be coming on tuesday and he didn't run it past me first…I have to take my dog to the vet on tuesday and I wanted to see my mental health worker plus the house is in a fucking mess…So that is stressing me out because ALL day tomorrow I've got to clear the house up and will he help? no he fucking wont! I'm so fucking angry right now I just want to scream. I have so much on my mind and I have so much to say but I'm that worn out I can't even do that. I can just about have a little rant here…I don't know what to do, where to go or how long I can put up with all of this!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![br] I came so close to taking another overdose tonight I ended up going to the bathroom and throwing up because I was so anxious. I hate these thoughts, Why wont they piss off and leave me alone!?!?!?!!!! Anyway Im just chatting shit now, I don't even know what im saying, my eyes are stinging because of the tears yet again, and my mind is just in another place. Lets see what tomorrow brings… xx :glare:

1 Comment
  1. sorrowfulpoet 15 years ago

    Please don't hurt yourself. You may need to try something so new, you didn't think of it. Maybe, knitting?Or something. Animals and kids need someone sometimes to be there, as vets, nurses, doctors, and for kids counselors. You could goto school for that at some point?

    I really wish you could fight of those thoughts, but I know how hellish they can be. Are you seeing a doctor regularly? I mean she or he may need to adjust the meds or put you on something else if this isn't helping you.


    As for thinking positive, yeah, its lame advice, its true, in many ways, but its so very very lame, and stupid in some ways, because if we COULD just think positive and get rid of this we would. I do my best to be positive and push forward, but that is a teeny tiny hair of an effect on my emotional wreck of a life. The rest is meds, counseling, friends.


    Do you ahve any good friends who could take you out and have fun with? Or maybe start a new hobby with (knitting, is only half joking, because its not something I'd think of normally as a hobby for me, and no I don't knit, its just one of those crazy "what is the oddest thing I can think of for anyone to do as a hobby.." things. Or maybe you should take up martial arts, or boxing. Or whatever, just something new to explore.


    I feel much the same way (despite having published a small, strange game I wrote) that I've not accomplished anything–so even when you do manage it, it seems less important than other make it out, but you are younger than me, and have time, take it slow as you can but keep forward. Did you know most famous painters, composers and the like were mostly OLD when they were successful. They say you can't write a truly successful (both critically and popular) if you are under 30 anyway. (Wonder where mine is I've passed the mark.)

    But think on something new, fun, mad, to do. Try it. No hurting/painful stuff, just something you get a wild lark about to try and see if it be fun.

    Go forth and conquer new things you've not yet tried. Thai food maybe? Sushi? or whatever.

    Just keep fighting. You matter. You do.


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