Why…….I never knew such a small word would be such a big part of my future life. A little about me I’m a 51 year old father of 2 22/18 been with my wife 23 years. Grew up in church not to mean I was or am a religious man just forced to be there every time the doors were open. I had a normal sex life. And was happy with my life. Then through dumb mistakes I had made I found myself in a small country jail cell with 20+ other men. And not going home soon. My first night in this cell I went to the bathroom which was a toilet,sink and a shower stall. The door to this bathroom was a shower curtain held up by a string. While using the bathroom two men came in and raped me forcing me to do things I never thought sane ppl would do. I spent 3 months in that jail cell and 3 months of daily rapes. When the act of rape wasn’t abusive enough they would make me hand over my meal tray. They would either eat it or give me the chance to beg for it or(earn it). Those 3 months was what hell really is. My mind has never been the same. But life moved on and I did with it. I developed sever depression and I would burn myself because I thought I deserved it. I carried the voice of my rapist in my head. I became hurt at work and couldn’t earn a living for my family. The injury affected my groin andy ability to have sex with my wife. I wasn’t able to take care of her( needs) so another man was brought into our bedroom to help with my wife’s needs. During this time I engaged in oral sex with these men. So at that point I’m orally bisexual which was all new and not me. My wife accepted me and we moved on. I enjoyed oral sex with men..and the next step was anal sex and I enjoyed it. But I was changing I felt that I was no longer a(real) man. I turned to women’s underwear and accepted a fem/sissy lifestyle. I later engaged in sex with men without my wife. During these encounters I would seek out aggressive men and would reenact parts of the rape. I used the shame of the rape acts to fuel my self hate. Now I question my sex preference and how normal I am. Why am I bi,why do I want sex with men,why do I want to be raped again by my male sex partners,why do I wear panties? That word that drives me crazy……WHY.  I hate myself for my ( needs). I hate my sexual fantasy’s. I feel so alone and so much shame. I’ve been labeled a sex addict..a term I can’t accept or understand.  I’m reaching out for help and understanding. Someone that knows what I’m going through.. someone that can answer my WHY question.  Thank u

1 Comment
  1. delane1 2 years ago

    Lincolnnike, ***hugs***. i’m so sorry you have had to repeatedly “pay” for what those fucktards did to you. (Sorry….that’s how i feel about anyone who forces themselves on others. Rape is nothing to joke about, nor is it easy to explain to someone who hasn’t endured it, the strange feelings and ideas that might go on, afterward. For me, the ones who’ve gone through with it, were people i knew–or thought i knew. The feelings and thoughts for me were much different.) i’ve read other people’s stories about similar behavior as you’ve described. Personally, i don’t know what ‘norm’ really is, and pretty much shun the idea, since nothing has really been normal, my entire life. “Why?” is one of those questions…one of those tiny words with so much meaning, at times, that may never be truly answered. You may never fully understand Why certain things have happened the way they have….Would YOU be OK with not fully understanding the answers? –That’s something you need to figure out–if you’re going to be OK if whatever you do figure out isn’t what you wanna know. Sometimes, the answers really aren’t healthy or helpful. Sometimes, we just have to try and cope as best we can, and maybe even seek out extra “help” to give us some suggestions that may shed some light in an otherwise very dark and painful place. –Does that make sense? i also came to the conclusion that IF i did understand WHY some things happened the way they did or WHY someone chose to be so nasty and ugly towards me, then i’d have to somehow understand that ugliness. *sigh i hope i never do, in that respect, but that’s me. i just hope you can figure out what YOU need and what’ll work for you to have some balance and comfort in your own life.

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