I saw my Dr. on Weds and the best he and I can come up with is to increase the Abilify even though it doesn't seem to work anymore. I am too chicken to try a new med. Would that be the answer anyway? I mean, what about side effects, and what if it works at first then just stops like the Abilify seemed to? I don't think it's worth the risk and anxiety. I really don't. I also think that the only thing that will help my depression is if things stop going WRONG and start to go my way. I can do something about a few things, but really, I don't have control over others. I am not seeking control over others. I am just hoping that people will give me a chance and that "luck" will help me out some. Because I've none, only bad. I am so lonely and lost. K has definiately disappeared now…

P had the BRASS to text me to ask if I had any connections to green. NO that's his department I thought. He is finally paying for living with his drug addicted room mate, now she's gone, what's he gonna do? Too bad he turned out to be that kind of friend.

I heard from another guy that I saw earlier this year, a few fwb dates, he is not my type and after gaining 20 ibs I am not his type either! So there's not a posibility of hanging out with him either. I am just going to wait til my bday next month to do anything social. I will see M I HOPE she can make it up and then that will be my socilization. I don't need men. I am tired of being the "go to" person when they have no one else at that moment to sleep with, I am just a last stop depot. No one really wants to date me. I know I am now old and fat so that is just the icing on the cake of someone nobody wants anyway.

I don't want to go out tomorrow to the jewelry event, but Ihave to because I promised Mom and i don't want to let her down or make her more upset. I am so tired, just going to these errands this week, I don't want to be down town or around people. I feel like there's no where to relax and I am just a mess.

The clerk tried to talk to me about buying rum at the market she was just being friendly but I felt all weird and guilty because my drinking is part of my meds, and I am becoming addicted to it and needy for it, not just enjoying a few drinks on a Fri night, but needing it to relax and it's making me more depressed, I know that.. I know that… but I need something to just get me out of this hole so I dont' keep falling in. Mom is a bitch and always yelling and upset or not feeling well. How do I survive in this atmosphere. Again, no where for me to go to relax or have peace NOWHERE. It sucks and is killing me.