Today i was incredibly anxious, tired and sad. I just wanted to curl up in a back corner with a box cutter and slash at my arms and legs. I was at school and basically talked to no one all day. I sat at the back of the my classes with my hood up and cried. I didnt even try to pretend i was having a good day. I cut die into my wrist during lunch when i hid in the stall so i wouldnt have to talk to anyone. My brothers words just keep replaying in my head, "GO FUCKING DIE." I have tried to end it i'm just a failure at that. And a couple months ago i had a reason to live. My best friend, my boy friend… both now ex's. Both who have left me. I dont see my ex boyfriend anymore but i have to see my ex best friend EVERYDAY. She stares at me during class, a blank stare. She dosent say a word. She hates me. I dont know why she does. She was the one who sent me to the mental hospital. I tried to be friends with her when i came back but she wouldnt speak to me. I'm sorry i cant end my life. As soon as i have the opportunitiy i will… I just feel bad for my mom. I love her with all my heart and i dont want to break her heart… I came home from school today and i had a horrible headache and felt naucious. I went upstairs got my blanket and threw it over my head and passed out. Next thing i know i slept through dance class. I constantly feel tired and sick. I think i may have something wrong with me. my mom took me to go get tests done but they came back and nothing was wrong as far as what they tested me for. i stopped taking my medicine so it cant be that thats making me sick… Also my other friend will not takl to me now. She discoverd my other sight i was blogging on and have been blogging on for years. Well i felt weird having her know ALL my secrerts. She knew i attempted suicide more than just once and she saw me the next day at school and said nothing inquiring what happened, she now knows im bi, she now knows about my relationship with my ex bestfriend and how i loved her, she knows about how i hear voices sometimes, she knows i cut in class she know all of my secrets and i didnt know how to handle it. I shut down and didnt say anything when i confronted her about her knowing about my blog. A week or so went by then this past weekend i was trying to be nice and reach out to her and i told her we should hangout and id buy weed and we could smoke up and talk, trying to be nice, and she made excuse after excuse why she couldnt and i havent heard back from her since. I feel like my friends are dropping off like rabbits. I have one person i can really call to hangout with and actually talk to her about stuff.. Thing is she has herown problems and although i consider her a good friend i dont know if i can really trust her to not judge me and keep my secrets. I vibe off of people and although she has a good vibe its not luminating like my ex best friend. idk what to do or what to think but it feels good blogging again.

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