I have been with my husband for 12 years and you would think out of all the people in the world, he would protect me & cover me…but he is my worst enemy. He knows everything there is to know about me and I should be able to trust him with it and it shouldn't be a inside job to attack me where it hurts the most. If it were anyone other, they would be dead, but how can you hurt the people you love the most..people that are just as much part of you? That would be like killing myself, right? 

I have been dealing with some serious issues now through this whole marriage and it's really been hard on me emotionally and sometimes mentally. How can two people be so different and stay together this long? I feel to kill this man and I'm sure he feels the same way.

I just don't understand why it's not so important to him to have a loving,healthy marriage as it is to me. I guess what hurts me is his behavior and his attitude towards me. He makes me feel worthless and unloved and not appreciated. 

I told my mother…remember how you said.."Treat others as you would like to be treated?" She said, yeah..why? Well, I hate to tell you it's all crap…it doesn't work. I've learned act as you see fit, decide what you will do or not do and try to be humble and serve others without expecting anything in return..or you will be hurt and one sad sack of shit.  She laughed. I think parents tell this to their kids so they will act right and not embarrass them. Of course it says the same thing in the bible, but ahhh when do people do what Gods says? Yeah, see..my point…some do, but it doesn't mean they do back to ya…just becuz God said so. We live in wicked times. 

Sure, I have thrown out scriptures telling my husband whats God's word concerning marriage and his role as a husband. Ahh didn't help much. He might have felt guilty for a sec till the sports game started or some dang computer thingy needed to be done. Yeah, the computer is his 1st wife..I just wipe his ass. 

A part of me wants to just slam his butt to the wall and walk out. WHy must I always be the better person? DAMMIT!! I dunno..I guess this summer will have to be spent thinking about what is best for me. Maybe if I left his ass he would be forced to seek therapy. Of course he says its my fault, but has no facts. I told him, shit..if I need therapy its to deal with your crap. I would be embarrassed to sit with a professional ..she/he would say…You should know better…the question would be.."Why the hell did you stay and put up with his crap?" I have even said, "Ok, tell me what you dislike and if it's a habit or behavior I can fix that right now..this minute…but if its outside of that..now your telling me to change who I am as a person." Well, well..not even one word feel from his lips..at least not anything that had to do with the topic but some lame excuses and made up crap that never even took place but inside his own mind. So there ya go…problem unsolved, not even a clue to finding some answers..perhaps a beam of light at the end of the tunnel maybe?  This is where I get frustrated and depressed..because I feel more helpless then before the conversation..oops..I mean yelling. He'll end up walking away as always and I'll yell out.."Thanks for the talk..I feel so much better now."  Of course..there is a way to fight..it's called fair fighting, but the rules only apply to me, not him. lol Yup..when I said I feel frustrated today..I meant it…can't ya tell? lol 

So, what would be the answer to this problem? Now, if someone told me right now the problem would be fixed if I would just cut off my leg or arm…shit..thats not a bad thing for the sake of peace, love and happiness. Give me the chain saw babe…I can do that. Anything that takes my part, I am always willing to do, but I can't do his part now can I?

Second thought, let me check his life insurance and let me hold onto this chain saw. Ahhh, don't worry, I'll bring it back cleaner then you gave it to me. Hey, if it breaks I'll buy ya another saw. [giggle] Oh rats, I don't think I have enough trash bags. Oh well..it was a good idea. Just kidding…if I didn't make jokes about it…I don't know what I would do. Hey..I'm not crying..I'm frustrated! LOL