Well here I am. I feel like this is my last resort. If I can't get it together now I don't know what's next. I wonder if I'm just plain stupid. Let me go back to the beginning. I was married in 2001. We had two children and a great life. I've had anxiety and depression ever since I can remember. I've tried tons of different Pills. I'm still depressed. I've asked the dr to give me more meds. That I just have no desire to feel. Not joy not pain. It's something I would gladly give up. I want to be numb. About three years ago I decided to tell my husband the truth and told him I wasn't in love with him anymore. He was crushed. From there things spiraled down. We fought all the time. We had no desire to spend time together. We were becoming more and more distant. I confided in a male friend. He was also going thru the same thing. I noticed my husband acting strange and disappearing a lot. I came out with I t and asked if he was cheating and he said yes. My kids were devastated. I was as well. He left the house to be with the other girl. I was so hurt I didn't know what to do. Eventually I leaned on my friend for comfort. It was a bad decision that I will forever regret. We became closeer. Even though he still had a wife at home that he claimed he didn't love. We got into a relationship that was very messy. I thought that I fell deeply in love with him and we moved in together or rather he moved in with me. Him and his three children. We fought all the time. Having five kids in the house and three of them not mine was tough. They were raised differently than mine. One was a toddler so I was back to changing diapers. He would always try to leave all the kids with me. I was resentful. It was tough. I couldnt understand why he wanted to go out with his friends almost every night. I felt used. I was becomming more and more depressed. I never thought the depression could get any worse. All while I was going through this I was taking care of my young (not even 50 yr old mom) that was dying. It was just to much. Fighting with my husband, fighting with my boyfriend, working and making sure my kids were ok and dealing with the fact that my mom was going to die any day. My mom ended up passing away in the begining of january.I put up with the boyfriends behavior and the being talked down to, the arguing, the constant accusations that I was cheating for months. He would go through my cell phone while I would sleep. Search through my laptop. It was out of controll. He would make things up to be issues. He was an abuser in every way, verbally, physically and mentally but for some reason I still loved him. But I couldn't take the way he treated me any longer and asked him to move out by the end of the following month. I didnt want to put him and his kids on the street. He made life miserable while he was there. Holidays were terrible. Then all of the sudden one day while I was at work he had a brilliant idea of pulling a vanishing act. I come home from work and everything of his was gone. It was like he was never there. Poof. I cried. I was so upset but a friend told me dont cry, this is what you wanted. It will be better for you and your kids. So I didnt call him at all. At the same time my father in law was now very sick in the hospital. It was hard for my kids to be losing another grandparent. He died a few weeks later. The day he died I got a text from my husband asking to see me. I went to his apartment against my better judgement and he was crying. I tried to comfort him and he came out with how he made the biggest mistake of his life when he left. He was begging and pleading to be back together. I didnt make any decisions right away and said maybe we can try dating but you cant come back to my house right away. We and the kids spent time together over the next few weeks/months… Then the boyfriend starts the stalking. Driving by my house at night beeping his horn in the driveway. The calls, the texts and begging to come back home. I just didnt want to go through all that again. I found myself loving both men and was torn. I decided to do what was best for my kids and persue things with my husband. I never made it easy for him to come back because I couldnt go through this again. He earned his way back by his actions. All the while the begging, the crying, the being sweet to the nastyness and calling me names was going on with the ex boyfriend. One second he was nice the next he was nasty. My moods were so up and down. We got into a massive fight and the ex bf was gone.Months went by and me and my husband were rebuilding everything. We bought a new house for a fresh start. My kids were happy but I still had this sadness deep inside. Why? Thats what I dont get. Why? I still loved and do love this ex abusing bf. Since then, every few months the ex pops back into my life to stir up emotions and beg to get back together then a few days or weeks of this go on and he turns nasty and calls me names and disappears. All while I found out that he has a girlfriend. One of the last times I fell for his stunt. I was ready to leave and give up everything again and we got into a major argument and he beat me up pretty badly. I couldnt hide it this time. I had to reveal it to my husband that I had seen the ex. That was so hard. I didnt want to lose my husband. Since getting back together he has proven his love. He would do anything in the world for me. Anything. This man truly loves me and I am messing it up for some loser. Why? I just dont know why. Why do I love this ex so much? Why do I feel these feelings for him and have an emptiness inside when I dont talk to him? Am I just stupid? I dont know anymore. Its started all again. He contacted me a little over a few weeks ago. The love and feelings and the wishing we were happily together is back. Him begging crying and pleading is back. As soon as I fall for it he is back to being a jerk. Treating me bad. Calling me names, wont respond to my calls or texts. Is it just a game to him? Is he doing this to just mess with my head? He actually gets me thinking about getting back together. Has my emotions all over and then makes me suffer. I dont know what to do anymore. I cant take it. The pain is unbelieveable. Its so hard to forget him after he does this stuff each time but once I do he pops back in my life to start it over. Ive blocked his number, hes gotten a disposible phone. Ive blocked him on social sites, he creates a new profile. I cant take it. I am ready to just explode. I feel like I am at the edge and tipping over. Im scared. I dont know what going over the edge is going to be. What is going to happen? I need help. Please.