I appologise to anyone that I talked to last night.
As you might have been aware, I was very drunk. In saying that, almost everything I said, or said I did.. I actually done. I did cut myself. No it wasn’t bad. I was upset, and some of the comments I recieved very much upset me. Mind you I deserved it. Being drunk is not an excuse. I know this, you know this. I guess for me, its the only time I have enough courage to actually talk about how i’m feeling openly. Please excuse me for that. I don’t know how else to do it.
There are still some things that i’m very upset about, and I realise now that the chatroom is not a place that I can talk about how upset i’m feeling, or what i might/might not do. I guess this means that from now on, blogs will be the only place I can do it. This doesn’t mean that I wont be going to the chatroom either. I have to be there for everyone else, as this was said last night. I have to ignore my own feelings and be there for everyone else. I don’t know how much help I’ll be, but I have to try if I want to continue to go into the chatroom.
I think I lost friends last night. I guess there is nothing I can do about that, appart from saying that i’m sorry if I offended anyone. This is me. This is my way of dealing with things. I’m sorry I can’t be any different. I don’t know how.
Also along this line, I want to make a point that when I ask questions in my blogs, I don’t generally actually need an answer. Most of my questions are questions to myself. I don’t want to make it seem that i’m asking for opinons or advise, and then not take it. In saying this, If you are going to give me advice, thats fine. Thank you for it. I appreciate it. Just please don’t go mad at me if I don’t take it. I beg you.
I didn’t go to class again today. I didn’t get to sleep until around 6:30am. I was very tired, massive headache, feeling sick, feeling bad. I guess most of that you can put down to having a hangover. I couldn’t bring myself to go to class. So I sat at home and slept most the day away.
I haven’t had anything to eat. Nothing seems to want to stay in my stomach. I have had many thoughts of suicide, and I guess thats nothing new.
I had a call from my Psycologist today. I didn’t answer. The call went through to voicemail. She rang to see how I was. Huh.. I don’t know why she did that. Maybe she actually cares? or maybe its just the fact that she wants more money. I don’t know. I feel guilty in not answering her call. I couldn’t cause I was at home, and I couldn’t let my sister know who I was talking to. Or my mum for that matter. I’ll have to call her tomorrow. I really don’t want to go back to her though either. I’d rather deal with things my way. This probably isn’t the best way to do things, I just don’t know anything different.
Mum brought me a pack of 48 nurofen plus today. I’m thankful.