I just took a long walk in under a threatening sky.

(It was threatening to rain, but it didn’t deliver.)

When I got up to go to outpatient this a.m., my Converse were still wet from last night’s trounce in the rain.  I slipped them on, anyway.  Sometimes, you just have to get out the door.

"I was at an all night diner
The sign said, triple x
But they were talking about root beer
I’m just sitting down
Thinkin’ about nothing
Looking at the thin air
Breathing up the oxygen
Have I told ya?
You could really get it on?"

I just had a long talk with Ace.  That’s always a good thing.  He was proud of me for blowing off my dealer.  I have to admit, I was pretty pleased with myself for turning down a sizable freebie.  My progress has surprised me, to be honest.  Sometimes, it’s downright surreal.  Like, it’s all a crazy dream.  But, I know it’s happening.  I’m really doing it.  With the help of my friends (in and out of the tribe) – I am getting this done.   

Things move really quickly sometimes.  They never keep pace with my mind, of course, but my crazed mind flips frames faster than a music video (and those are designed for people with no attention span at all). 

I know where I’d like to be, right now.  I may not know where I’m going, or what’s going to happen with me, but, I know what I like to lean back, and imagine, when I’m able to relax.  I know what happiness and peace feel like, again – even if it’s still kind of choppy and raw (and messy, and complicated).  I do have a place to put all the things I feel.  I have trust, and faith.  I have friendship, and connectedness.  No sex, at present, in my weird little reality, but I’m getting by (give me another month, and I’ll be ready to kill someone).

"A guy comes up, looking pretty 8-ball
Snaggletooth smile, sits down at my table
Puts his arm around me, starts to share his information
He said, he said, he said

he said, he said, he said, he said,

this is what he said:

‘I have sex, Im always thinking about the pavement
So I can avoid premature ejaculation’
I got up, remembering to thank him
Better things to do so I’ll start drinking"

I do miss sex.  So much…  I am horribly hypersexual, which a huge leap from nymphomania.  I need sex more than most, and pretty much EVERYONE needs it.  I miss feeling that connected to another human being.  I miss feeling the warmth of a lover, pressed hard against me.  Bliss…  that’s what I miss.  Sharing that extreme moment of feeling like the star’s have aligned, and everything’s right – when the rest of the world evaporates, and nothing exists but the two of you, and the sensation and energy that you’re sharing.  That’s what it really is, I guess – sharing in someone else’s existence.  Sharing your fantasies, and offering yourself to someone physically… 

I’m no closer to understanding myself, or where the hell I am going.  I don’t know what I’m doing, to be honest.  I’m just doing the best I can with what’s in front of me.  And, hoping that’ll be enough… 

"No one has any ideas, damn
Have I told ya?
You could really get it on?"

1 Comment
  1. jeneva5 15 years ago

     From one writer to another, I love reading your blogs!

    0 kudos

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