Thursday night I crashed hard and found myself quite depressed.  Friday morning I had a full blown anxiety attack.  And Saturday morning I woke up hypomanic–energetic, optimistic, full of life, prone to irritable outbursts, etc.  Oh the joys of being a rapid cycling bipolar person with anxiety!

I’m still coming to terms with the fact that what I experience — rapid-cycling bipolar I with mixed episodes and pyschotic symptoms — is an advanced stage of illness… that I am very, very ill.  Somehow I have gotten by this far without being hospitalized.  Many people would consider me highly successful in life, especially in regards to my career.  I hold down a job that most normal people would consider maddening.  Maybe being bipolar makes doing this job possible, maybe this job makes me bipolar, maybe it is vicious cycle and I need to break free of it. 

Most people have no idea that I have to see a pDoc every week and that I’m on six meds to remain functional.  I’m quietly rotting away.  If isn’t depression or anxiety it is  mania.  I keep hoping to break free into normalness, but perhaps, considering my advanced illness, I should just accept that I’m always going to be screwed up and adjust my goals in regards to that?  Is it unrealistic to hope for a healthy intimate relationship when I appear to be perpetually unstable?

The man who I thought I’d grow old with broke up with me saying, "I never know how you’re going to react to things."  Ouch.  I’ve worked so hard on balancing out and that came as a big blow.  I have come so far.  But I’m still pretty screwed up, and I seem to be getting worse.  It is an awful feeling.  The weekly therapy and cabinet full of meds and books and websites and lifestyle changes and all of it… it is only slowing down a continuous downward progression, seemingly outside of my control.

I’m trying SOOO hard.

4 Comments
  1. Deeprhatt 14 years ago

    Wow, you seem to be having a very hard time. It is just the fact that you can talk about it that makes the difference between who you are and who you could be. I was watching a show the other day and believe me I feel your pain, but I heard one actor say "I am Trying Hard to accomplish this" his friend said with a blank look why are you trying so hard? Do not try any thing Just go and get it done. Well that is easy for me to hear but you know it is harder to actually do it. I pray on a regular basis to the one in whom I think of as God, and I remember every da I say God I am trying to cope, I am trying to get better….well I thought about this and now I ask for the strength to endure the things which are hitting me with such a force. I do not know if this will help but I know it is helping me get through the times that are the hardest in my life I am lonely but I am surrounded by people it is just for the mos part I know what they are thinking and most of the time it is like you are watching the color bar tone and display that used to be on the TV late at night in the old days….I know that you seem to having a hard time and for the most part it seems as though there is nothing going right. but just when you seem to be at the last of your strength you seem to keep going…hold on to that last bit of strength because when you do there always seems to be a little more available…Keep your chin up. remember trying is good but doing is better…for your self esteem, as well as your well being… I am sorry I seem to ramble but I am in a bad position. With my life and I do not know really how to help my self…but I love to help others if I can and I hope that I did help even a little bit…Keep smiling because it really bugs most people…=0)

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  2. micl 4 years ago

    Thanks for sharing your story. I’ve dealt with depression most of my adult life. I realized i was bipolar a few months ago because i started rapid cycling and can only sleep 1 to 3 hours at night when i’m in my hypomanic phase. Information i got from healthlinkbc helped me understand this.

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  3. Author
    between_extremes 4 years ago

    Hey @micl, original poster here. Best wishes in getting the rapid cycling under control. Sleeping only 1-3 hours a night sounds awful. I thought you might be interested in an update since I wrote that post 10 years ago. In the last several years, I’ve had no cycling what so ever. What changed? At the urging of a neurologist who I was seeing for complex migraines, I went off most of the meds including and especially the antidepressants. I worked with a psychiatrist who supported my decision to be on less meds, and she convinced me that I needed trauma work, not heavy pharmaceuticals. I did EMDR which helped a lot. Now I’m on low doses of an anti-anxiety medication and one mild mood stabilizer which also helps me sleep. I have mild seasonal affective disorder that is under control and general but much improved anxiety, and that is pretty much it. No heavy drinking, no self harm, no extreme up and downs, no rapid cycling and hopelessness like before. My life is good, I’m sleeping well, have happy relationships, a good job, and am in the best shape of my life. I write this because there is hope! Don’t give up, get second and third and forth opinions. Health and happiness can be yours! Be well.

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    • micl 4 years ago

      Thanks so much for sharing this. Fortunately I sometimes sleep well, but I would like to control this cycling. Now that the weather is warm I can swim in a nearby pond and this is helping g a lot.

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