Triple whammy issues…actually more than triple really….10 months of investing my heart into a girl who I could never get exact clairity from where I stood with her, refusing to throw in the towel on the premise that the unusual way she entered my life might have been the Flow of the Universe or whatever the F&$k placing her there for a reason….leading to all of what amounts to after 10 months meeting her in person for the first time via a one hour "audition"(as I like to call it) on her terms….and that's it?….And now there's heartache….and hurt…and sadenss….and fear that it's a breeding ground for depression I had worked so hard to conquer all over again…and anger….such anger,,,, and frustration…that I believed again…that I hoped again….that I got fooled again….that I was Charlie Brown thinking for the zillionth time that this would be the time I would finally kick the ball away from Lucy….and I've got my arms up in the air asking the freaking universe or whomever or whatever calls the shots "What the F$%K!? Are you freaking kidding me??? Her coming into my life the way she did amounted to it all just being a fluke and nothing more?!?? What the hell was the POINT of that??? Why the hell would you do that to me after I went through a three year stretch stuck in the depths of hell that was severe depression??? Did you do that just to get a good laugh or what????"…

And now my Mom says she has to take my car away….something about my Dad not placing it in her name before he died….she says she'll give me money for cab rides whenever I need it. Great.

And my "dream"(yeah, pretty sad that I have to call it a dream, but that's what it amounts to for me nowadays) of going out of town to Indiana next month to go see my Missouri Tigers play Indiana in football–and no, not just because I love the game and the team–more than anything it was something to look forward to because I was looking forward to the vacation aspect of it…because I'm a firm believer that traveling is good for the soul and God how I wish I had the financial resources to do more of it because just about every time I do, it seems to have a way of revitalizing my soul….a brief but badly-needed getaway out of town and way from family who yes sure I love them but have really gotten to wear on my nerves more than ever these past 7 or 8 months or so…a chance to spend time with friends and have fun….that's all but down the tubes too….not enough money for a ticket, gas, a hotel room, still no job, and the date rapidly approaching…..

Just feeling so angry. And frustrated. And saddened And hurt.. But knock on wood not feeling severely depressed(unless I just jinxed myself by saying this)….at least not yet….though these I fear are all potential breeding grounds for it all to start again. Never was naive enough to think I was done with it for good after I got through Depression Hell '09-'12 since I've had so many bouts of it before then…although was hopeful….was thinking that since the last one was by far THe Absolute Worst out of all of them….which is saying a lot since they all were pretty bad before that…that maybe at the very least it reached its "peak" in that regard….I don't know….I'm babbling…

Going to see my shrink in 30 min and have no desire to see her…..would rather go running….that seems to be my best therapy these days….or anything close to it anyway…

Thank you. I love you all and hope you're all doing well out there. Keep fighting the good fight. Hang in there and be strong. And I'm here for you anytime you need me,,,,in whatver possible way I can help, even though that may not be much.