I’ve been off the site for a week, because i moved back to my home city, and don’t have great access to the internet here, so I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch.
I feel very strange today. Had the usual drawn out morning sickness until about 3.30pm when I started to feel better. I had a terrible dream last night about something that happened to me, except in the dream the person who did it was completely different – really vivid, but a face I’ve never seen before. The only implication this can possibly have, if any, is that there were more people (and I use that term loosely) involved than I am capable of knowing. This is a thought that frequently makles me feel nauseous and angry. But, today I just feel weary and tearful. I also feel very distant from my partner, which is in itself unsettling. This has happened before, and has resolved itself, but it isn’t helpful when I feel more in the need of comfort and reassurance than ever. It’s also not pleasant for him, because he can see I’m in a funny mood but doesn’t know why. We haven’t had the chance to talk yet, though. Not that I’d know what to say. I feel like running a million miles from everyone. I feel… squashed, by everything. I just want to get away, be free… But I know I love my partner, and I’d very quickly come to regret it. It’s so silly, but I feel like I’m fighting a loosing battle. Against what?!
His freinds aren’t helpful. I’ve never liked being in a position where I have to socialise with people I don’t know. I don’t mind meeting my sister’s freinds occasionally, or going to a bar and being surrounded by strangers, or working with new people. But I hate HAVING to mix with people, rather than getting to know them from a distance and deciding whether I like them, or just not having anything to do with them at all – which I do more often than not just because they aren’t my ‘cup of tea’, which is no judgement on them. But he lives in a shared house and considers all these people his freinds. I have nothing against them, but I don’t feel any need to socialise with them either. I have my own freinds I’m very happy with, who’ve stood by me through a lot. In addition to all this, the people here all treat me with politness, but with the discomfort of humouring an intruder. And that irritates me. If they don’t like me, just don’t bother! We don’t have to be aggressive or rude to one another, but there’s no point in forced politeness – it’s just incredibly false, and I hate falseness.
Anyway, enough of my griping. I am feeling really bad tempered and irritable today, as you can probably tell.
Hope you’re all well, particularly R (how’s it going?:smile:)