Well I'm still in physical pain with my knee and ankle.  One can't get better without aggrevating the other.  I still have to walk with the cane or in my cast which helps my ankle but aggrevates my knee because the metal rod in it pushed on the side of my knee.  The doctor was supposed to get me a referral to a specialist but still haven't heard anything yet.  My insurance takes forever.

My daughter that lives with me with her 4yr old son is still taking advantage of me.  She just makes plans for her days off without telling me till the last minute and I get mad because when do I get a day off?  I have no "me" time she just figures I'll be here why can't I watch him….well I think she should be here to play with him, feed him, bathe him etc and she's not so I've decided when she does tell me that she's going out then I'll tell her not until she bathes him and puts him to bed.  Don't get me wrong my grandson is no trouble what so ever and I love him to death but she's the mom not me.

My parents are still not doing well, my dad has been put on a new insulin and his blood sugar went up to 400….it's not supposed to go over 150….he needs to take more of the new insulin but he won't do it until the doctor says to which is dumb but I can't tell him that I just have to tell him what I've done with mine and hope he takes my advice.  They had to take him off his diabetic pills because they are hard on t he kidneys and they are already failing.  He can't have dialysis because it's hard on the heart and his heart is so weak well any stress or anything that happens will be the last the doctor told us. He's tried to get some exercise by going out and walking a little bit but we all worry because he doesn't keep his balance well and falls a lot and if he fell outside my mom wouldn't be able to get him up she'd have to call and ambulance.  My mom is not much better, her pace maker had to restart her heart numerous times this month mostly when my dad was in the hospital.  She has no energy at all and is depressed with all that's going on so now she understands my depression a little more.  It's nice to finally have someone who does understand.  I pray for them every day knowing also that things do happen for a reason but it's so hard to watch them dying it's just a matter of when right now and that just makes me cry more.

I feel so all alone even though I have people around me and it's really gotten to me and made my depression even worse with all that's going on.  My therapist tells me all these things to do but I wonder if she really understands what I'm going thru.  They are taught to come up with the right answers but I'd like to have a therapist who has gone thru what I have in order to tell me what to do.  When I was in the hospice home for depression all the workers there had been thru some sort of depression so they all understood.  I wish I could go back there if just for a little while it helped me so much the last time.

I need to find a way to manage the physical pain and the emotional pain and it's hard.  I'm proud though because I haven't cut in almost 4yrs now but have had those thoughts again big time and also the voices have come back so I need to tell the shrink next time and see what she wants to do about that.  I told the therapist but she said to tell the shrink so evidently she doesn't know what to do with that.  I'll just continue praying things go well and hope someone is listening…