I went to bed early and yet here I am, awake again. Whhhyyy do I wake up in the middle of the night like this? Why, even when I'm tired, can I not sleep the entire night through like a normal person?
I'm hungry now so I walked down the hallway to get a poptart and some water. My stomach was upset a bit so maybe the food will calm it down and then I'll try sleeping again.
I don't want to see my friend again… Last weekend, I was panicked over it and feeling worn out. This weekend, I'm just disinterested like usual. I feel like I am trying to reinforce the notion that seeing friends is normal. Socializing is normal. Being a loner is unhealthy. Go see your friend, be normal, be happy, be healthy…but the desire to actually do it just isn't really there. It's more like, "I should be doing X…why am I not interested in X? Maybe I can force it…"
Is it Depression? Is it making me disinterested in socialization? I had friends nearly 10 years ago. I had sleepovers and went to friends' houses all the time. I didn't start retreating until 7th grade, when was I bullied nearly the entire year. Did I isolate myself so well that I removed the need for socialization? I mean, I'm not sitting here going OMG what will I say? What will I do? I'm not panicked. Just not excited.
To be honest…I don't want to brush him off again because I don't want him to decide that he doesn't want to deal with me anymore. I don't want him to go for good because I feel pathetic being alone. Other people all have friends and socialize and seem to use those friendships to reinforce how worthy they are, how awesome and great and loved, and here I am alone…by comparison, I'm a nobody. If I have friends…names to drop, ways to spend my time out around others…it makes my life look full. Admitting that the highlight of my week was spending 3 hours in Barnes & Noble alone isn't as impressive as saying, "I went out with my friends, had a few drinks, and went dancing." It almost feels like I am trying to fake my life. I'm trying to build a house of cards. Maybe no one will notice that it's flimsy and could topple at any moment. At least it's still a house…right?