How does one learn their own self worth when nobody around them feels they have any? If growing up, there were very few times when others felt you were worth something……how does one end up building a healthy view of themselves?
Is it possible? If you tell yourself enough times that you are worthy, will you ever really be able to counter the words of all the people who were supposed to guide you and protect you and prepare you for the world?
I am trying to do that. I hope its possible.
I have found that the medications do really help with the suicidal thoughts. There are good days when I dont even have those thoughts. They are sometimes still there though. Tonight I had a strong sort of urge. Not really with power behind it like before without meds. Just a strong, clear thought. I was handling something and I had this thought……"I could find a vein, inject this and nobody would be able to revive me" LoL It was soooo weird because it didnt scare me and I didnt feel the urge to actually do it. Just that I could and I had no real barriers keeping me from doing it. I know that probably doesn't make a lot of sense but it does to me. I feel safe knowing that I dont feel the need to act on them like I did 6-8 months ago. I do think that as soon as I can afford to……I need to get back under a doc and therapists care. I think I am safe but not quite stable or something.
Times like this I wish I werent so isolated. If I were to start down and get bad like I did before or stop taking my meds, nobody would notice. I cant let that happen. I just cant ever, ever, EVER, get to where I would try to kill myself. Ever again.